Rain, Rain…..Go Away!

All those times we said this phrase as a kid so we could go outside and play. Superstitiously, we thought we could control the weather. Trying to influence the weather used to be a wish, now it’s our daily reality. In this day and age controlling the weather is a norm for the powers at be of this planet. They try to push climate change and global warming as the cause of these fluctuating weather patterns, the seasons blending or completely being skipped, glaciers melting, etc. to distract the masses from the truth. The truth is countries are at war with each other and they will use the weather as a form of weapon. Other powers are “playing god” and using the weather to experiment on different parts of the world.

I was listening to Dr. Delbert Blair one day and he commented on the fact that thunder and lightning are no longer a part of the many rain storms we get in heavily populated areas now. After I heard it I stopped and thought about it. Where I live in northeastern USA, we get a lot of rain now without many thunderstorms. Lightning is earths way of purifying the air and with the decline of these thunderstorms the mass particles the powers at be have been polluting the air with and the increase in chemtrails to block out the energy waves from the sun have increased over time. These particles are able to stay in the atmosphere longer because lightning isn’t able to neutralize and clear these particles out of the atmosphere.

As the powers at be continue to control the weather and use it against other parts of the world, the climate change discussions will continue to be pushed to distract us from the truth. The truth is the weather isn’t a natural occurrence on earth anymore, it’s manufactured.

The Magical Pills


Do I continue to be numbed down and have no headaches or migraines or do I ask for a different med and start having the worse side effects or just stop the meds all together and risk getting the headaches and migraines again??? Oh how life sucks sometimes and oh how the pharmaceutical industry works its magic to keep us dumb and numb to the real causes of our dis-ease. I literally have mind numbing pain and yes the medication is working but it also has numbed my senses, slowed my thought processes, has caused tingling in my face and lips that makes me feel like I want to wipe my face off at times. I’ve tried the “holistic” approach and it wasn’t working. I was getting massages, seeing the chiropractor, doing yoga, being mindful of my mental state and my stress triggers and responses and yet still the headaches and migraines would come.

I was hospitalized due to cluster headaches, which are migraines on one side of my face and body. It basically resembles a stroke. The neurologist I saw in the ER says it’s nerve related which is why I was prescribed this medication. After all the tests performed, no pinpoint cause on why these cluster headaches have gotten out of control and happening more often frustrates me.

So the question still lingers, to stay medicated or not? To continue to take the magical pills that calm the headaches and migraines but make me feel tingly all over the place or stick it out and hope for the best that I don’t have any long term side effects.

Well, I ended up answering my own question and stopped taking the pills. Unfortunately, I’ve gain the weight back that I was losing but no more tingles in my face. I occasionally still get migraines but it’s only around my menstruation time or if I’ve completely fell off on getting bi-weekly body alignments and massages.

See this is how those doctors get you. Put you on a drug to mask your ailment without addressing the real cause or dis-ease that is going on with your body and/or mind. Then scare you with the “what could happen” without reviewing with you the compete list of side effects and down play your symptoms of a side effect because it falls in the less than 5% margin.

Moral of the story is…..take your health and the knowledge you need to learn about your ailment or dis-ease into your own hands. Don’t heavily rely on doctors and their modern medicine to cure you.

Complacency: Reflections of Self

After achieving what I thought I should as an adult, all those “accomplishments” lead to deep heart ache, pain, unhappiness and finding myself feeling empty, unsatisfied and alone.

After several months of being stuck in a void and I’m using the word void because I wasn’t sad or depressed, but I was in a state of emotionless. While in this void, my mind was on constant repeat, thinking the same thoughts over and over again. What am I doing wrong? How am I 34 and I don’t have anything together? Why do I feel so lost? While away on a trip I discovered several different topics and articles on Facebook that kept catching my interest. Figured if something keeps popping up I need to start paying attention to it. This began my journey into the unknown….. so I thought.

This journey of self-love, inner-peace, becoming spiritually in tune to my real self. The real Me and not who I think I should be, or who I thought I should be as a child or even when I thought I was in college, and definitely not who society says I should be. More importantly, not who my mom or my family think I should be or should have been.

My mind works differently from most, I noticed this at an early age. Always questioning life, rules, nature, adults and authority. Never took answers at face value and always wanted to learn beyond the surface. My mind sees disorder, chaos, things out of place and automatically starts analyzing and correcting them. I always thought it was my OCD until it enhanced my career by finding the flaws in a facility and their programs and on a personal level giving great advice. Unfortunately, it also gives off the persona of a “know it all” or always having something to say. Had to learn with maturity when to speak my truth and when to let people figure it out on their own. More importantly, not beat myself up when they fail or don’t figure it out. I’m a fixer by nature but everything and everyone doesn’t want to be fixed. Sometimes its best for things and people to stay broken. Can’t save the world by draining myself in the process. Learned to pick my battles so I can have successful wars.

Good vs. Evill

Religions has us convinced that there’s a good vs evil scenario going on in the world. Movies have us believing that there’s a good vs evil war going on in the universe. All thoughtfully done to control the masses. As some people focus on trying to be so good that they can’t be seen as evil and other people so hell bent on being so evil people won’t consider them good. These unspoken people have been directly affected by the cat and mouse game of society to keep our minds focused on one over the other rather than on both.

How does a person even know the difference between the two if the other didn’t exist to compare it to? Light couldn’t exist if there was no darkness, good couldn’t exist if there was no evil. Life is about balance. The issue with the universe and our world is they are out of balance. Evil has been “winning” at keeping this balance out of whack. Poisoning and distracting our souls and minds from what’s important in life. Controlling people through every aspect that can come to mind to keep us divided and at war with each other. Old vs new, iPhone vs Android, breastfeeding vs not breastfeeding, Black vs white, Hispanics vs non Hispanics, girl vs boy, Democrat vs republican and so on. All this division keeps us distracted as the balance in our world continues to stay out of whack.

Love the good and evil inside each of us, the light and the dark because we are made of both. This is why evil and good things happen in the world and the acceptance of both is why free will still exists.

Get Off of Me!


Yesterday I had a very weird experience. My daughter attends a toddler gymnastic class and there’s this couple that goes with their daughter. The mom gives off a weird vibe and I noticed it when I was around them during class changeovers prior to my daughter moving up into this new class. The only interaction I’ve had with the mom is one day during the beginning of class when the instructor was going over each floor obstacle she was in the way blocking everyone’s view like the instructor was only talking to her and her child. I nicely asked her could she move because we couldn’t see and I guess that was the end of us ever being parent friends. Since that day that woman will walk past me and my child like we don’t exist. They have a habit of sitting in front of the shoe storage cubby holes to change after class; which is where I put my daughter and I things. When I would say excuse me so I can get our things she would give me just this vague acknowledgment and slightly move to the left or right. Freaking annoying! 

Well, you know us empaths, I was wondering maybe I’m just overthinking it. Maybe I’m not picking up a weird vibe. Maybe she’s just an overbearing mom that overly critiques her 3 year kid because of her dreams of once wanting to become a gymnast. Maybe she’s a really nice mom, friend and girlfriend or wife and it’s just me, I’m just overthinking it. Well, at class yesterday we had a short trampoline lesson and her daughter freaked out from having all eyes on her during her turn. During her daughters freak out my daughter was being a butt and not listening, so the class moved on to a different apparatus and left both of us at the trampoline. While holding my daughter trying to calm her down, this woman sits down on the edge of the trampoline directly on my foot. When she sat on my foot I instantly had this overwhelming urge to pull my foot away so I did. She replies, oh I’m sorry and because I knew how ignorant it came off because of the speed and urgency I just ripped my foot from under her I responded it’s ok, even though it wasn’t. 

Immediately, I start feeling this burning sensation on my foot and on the lower part of my leg because apparently she touched me there when she sat on me. I start freaking out on the inside because I realize I was right, this woman’s vibes are all wrong and now she’s passed that energy to me. My leg starts burning sp bad that I forget about my daughter who is cutting up and having a fit and start thinking about what I can put on my foot and leg to take away this horrible sensation. I think water but no it will just absorb and dry. Then I see hand sanitizer in the lobby. It has alcohol in it that gives off a cooling sensation when it drys so maybe it will counteract this burning sensation. So I grab some and rub it on my foot and leg and it works. 

Lesson learned here, follow your God given gifts and let them guide you. I didn’t have a feeling that this woman was a bad person just that she’s not someone I should be around or interact with. It took her touching me to get confirmation on that. I still don’t know why I can’t interact with her or why our energies/vibes are different but hey getting burned this way will be the only burn I need to maintain distance.

State of Confusion

guides

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve had some very interesting things happen to me spiritually wise. I was visited by “guides” during several dreams that exposed me to a lot knowledge. I was very excited to have these encounters until a course I started thinking about what they shared with me, then my excitement turned to confusion.  As I did my research and followed the bread crumbs the guides would leave me to find books they wanted me to read to help myself become clear or putting what I thought was a random actress Scarlett Johansson in my dream but later that day came across an article that resonated with me and guess who was on the image of the article….. Scarlett Johansson from the movie Lucy. I was receiving a lot of confirmations of the things they were showing me in my dreams in my waking life, once again was very exciting but then it turns into confusion.

As I read more articles and researched more topics on spiritual awakening and the universal consciousness, I became jaded. I always thought I was special, one of kind and having these dreams and interacting with these guides was like my confirmation that “Yes, I am special and all the pain and suffering I’ve had through out my life wasn’t in vain. All the solitude and not being able to connect with most people because I couldn’t think on their level or relate to their materialism and selfishness wasn’t in vain. All the isolation and changing who I was to be able to fit in then later in adulthood saying screw this I’m being me, wasn’t in vain. Hiding my strengths and my abilities so people wouldn’t think I was weird in hopes it would help me fit in, wasn’t in vain.” But then to learn that so many other people are having the same experiences that I’m having with my guides and the knowledge they’ve showed me I became disappointed. My uniqueness and these extraordinary encounters with these guides no longer felt special to me anymore. Once again I know I’m dealing with my ego in regards to my disappointment but I just can’t shake this feeling of being jaded. I wanted these encounters to be unique to me and me only. I wanted to be special, I needed to be special. But now I’m back at feeling confused and wondering what to do from here. What to do with the knowledge that has been given to me. How do I get past my ego so I can continue my journey now knowing I’m unique in knowing this knowledge but not unique in being a messenger of it.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

golden mirror

I had a very intriguing session yesterday with my therapist. While discussing my digestion of the recent discovery of my ex-husband being a narcissistic sociopath, we decided to dive deeper into my relationships with “me focused” people.

This deep dive project surfaced from me telling my therapist about some memories that arose when a lot of different events, including the past 4 years of my life with my ex-husband started to put a lot of scattered puzzle pieces of my life together. For example, one key puzzle piece was that my dad was abusive and based on the things my mom has told me about things he did to her while married he is definitely a narcissist and my granddad was more than likely a narcissistic sociopath based on the family stories I’ve heard about him; which are 10 times worse than what my dad was doing to my mom. So there’s definitely a generational curse going on on my dad side with this mental disease. One of the memories that arose was one of my granddad when I was in high school around the time when he was falling ill with lung cancer. My dad was in town and left me and my sister at my granddad’s for some quality time. I was at his apartment trying to heat up some food in his microwave, but he had an older microwave and I didn’t know how to work it. I had to ask him more than once how to use it because he was being short with his answers like he was annoyed with me. Maybe, this was my third time asking him how to set the minutes and before I could finish getting my ask out he pushed me hard out of the way, started yelling at me and calling me names. My therapist asked me do I remember what I did and I replied that during that time in my life whenever anyone would yell at me it would remind me of hearing my parents arguing and I would freeze and I would block everything out. So in that moment I froze, blocked him out and walked away.

Then I continued to tell my therapist that prior to my family moving to another state I went to stay with my granddad for a little bit when I was 4 while my mom was getting everything in place with her new job and the house. I don’t remember staying with him, but this is what I was told and based on one story my mom would tell. When she went to go get me from him after this extended stay, she passed this dirty little girl riding on a big wheel bike and she thinks “ahh she’s a really cute girl somebody should wash her up, do her hair and be out here watching her.” When she gets to my granddad’s apartment she asks for me and he replies, she’s outside riding her bike you probably passed her. My mom then immediately turns from him, goes and picks up that cute, dirty little girl she passed not knowing it was me and leaves without grabbing any of my things. I then relay to my therapist that I am concerned, now knowing what my granddad may have been, what I may have been exposed to while living with him during that period of time. My therapist tells me if the body has no response to the thought of him then maybe, just maybe I don’t have anything to worry about but as these memories arise in due time will tell.

So I’m assuming to pull my focus from feeling helpless in this situation, my therapist asked me to think of a friend that I had or have that wasn’t “me focused” and to be honest I had to really search through my memories to find a person that wasn’t. Majority of all the people in my life that I befriended or more so befriended me were
“me focused”. A lot of friends that had befriended me was for their sole purpose only. For example, I’m very smart and in high school and college a lot of people would befriend me to help them with their assignments or get notes for class or to try to cheat off of. Once they realized that I wasn’t going to allow them to cheat off of me or I was going to make them put in work when we had group assignments those people would eventually fall to the waste side. But a course the narcissists, the tricksters, the manipulators knew just how to pull on the heart strings or spin their web to make me believe they were really my friend while they used me.

After thinking for a minute or two, I finally thought of a person that wasn’t anything like any of these “me focused” friends. My therapist then asked me to list what was different about this person and the main things that came to mind was this person was mellow, focused on their children and wasn’t visually self-conscious about their image. Then my therapist stated “so you said this person was mellow like their vibrations were low, mellow toned”, then asked me how did this make me feel? I replied it made me feel uncomfortable and like in typical therapist fashion she asked “why” and I replied, because I’m not used to mellow, I’m use to people who are high wired, high vibration and at the same time we both say “chaotic”. Then another puzzle piece fell into place, maybe I’m gravitating towards people who are “me focused”, high vibratory because that’s familiar. I grew up in a household that was “me focused” and chaotic. My entire life has been nothing but chaos, whenever there is a moment of peace or mellowness I feel uncomfortable and become anxious. That’s why I’ve always been a busy body, constantly active which leads to being burnt out and stressed out on the regular.  But also kept me from having to think or wallow in the pain that was my life.

I do want to know what’s “wrong”with me and what I need to do to fix the deep dark parts of me to make myself whole, especially after going through a traumatic marriage and separation. At first when I learned that I’m partly to blame for some of these hardwired poor decisions it saddened me and made me think that I’m way more screwed up than I originally thought. No wonder I attract crap in my life. But after a day of processing, I became inspired and felt better knowing this information.

So Mirror, Mirror on the Wall …. no I’m not to blame for what is attracted to me and no I’m not to blame for what I’m attracted to, but I am responsible for my attractions after I’m made aware to these factors that have made me hardwired to this dysfunction. Time to choose wisely. Time to change the woman in the mirror!