Me, Myself and I


Forced dissociation is a sign of being highly intelligent and being able to critique the process and call upon it when needed is remarkable, says my therapist to me yesterday. At first I was ecstatic that me being able to force myself to dissociate when I was with my ex or during very traumatic times with other exes or in my childhood was a great skill. Removing myself out feeling any type of pain and heartache sounds like a great skill to have; especially living in the word we live in when pain and discomfort can happen without for warning. 

The dissociation into Me, Myself and I would happen by me literally removing myself from a situation or conversation whenever my ex would start bereating me, calling me names, basically trying to provoke me to react negatively towards him. When I would force dissociation to maintain control over my reactions and feelings during those times, Me (my core self) would fade to the background similar to how the guy in the Get Out movie would when he would fall into the sunken place. Then Myself would be a voice from the left side of my brain and I would be a voice from the right side of my brain and the actual situation/combative ex would be a blur. So Me, Myself and I would literally look like a person watching a conversation between 2 people in front of them with the background blurred out because you’re focused on the people talking. Myself (left brain voice) is the analyzer of the words and feelings that would arise in Me (core self) and I (right brain voice) would repeat a word or feeling right when Me would want to react to it. For example, Me would hear bitch coming from the combative ex so I would repeat the word bitch and Myself would start saying to I “how does the word bitch make you feel, why does it bother you, it shouldn’t bother you because you’re not being a bitch at this moment”, etc. and I would reply back with responses to Myself’s questions. While this dialogue is occurring in front of Me, Me had a chance to see the logic in the that moment and why Me shouldn’t react to what the combative ex is saying. Then the feeling of anger I would associate with hearing that word would turn into a fog and rise above Myself and I and dissipate into the air. When that would occur Me would no longer feel anything when the combative ex would call Me a bitch in that moment. Over time because my ex was constantly trying to provoke me and get me to react to him and nasty ways, I eventually became numb to his antics.

Another example of Me, Myself and I rescuing me from pain is when I was in college I was dating this really cute guy. Everyday I was taken back by this guy being into me and wanting to be with me. We started dating towards the end of my freshman year, continued talking over the summer and into the beginning of my sophomore year. Long story short, we would spend a lot of time together and I had no suspicions that he was involved with other people. Well one day while my friends and I were at a fraternity probate, he comes walking up to us with some girl and introduces her to all of us one by one then ends the introduction by saying and this is my girlfriend such and such. Everyone at that moment turned and looked at me and I instantly became overwhelmed with fear and embarrassment. Later that night I literally tried to drink away the pain from that embarrassing moment but it wasn’t working so I left my friends early and went home and cried in a ball in the middle of my living room floor until I passed out. Then woke up and went right back to crying and cramping from being overwhelmed with the emotional pain. A friend showed up to check on me and busted into my house because I wasn’t answering my phone. She instantly layed down with me and started rubbing me trying to make me feel better but even that wasn’t working. Then at that moment I remember separating and Myself started analyzing the pain and feelings that were running rapid through me and within minutes I went numb. I remember thinking “wow the pain is gone and this crap doesn’t even matter anymore” and I got myself up off the floor and went on my day like nothing ever happened. 

With that being said, my therapist gave me a praise then swept the rug from underneath me with her next comment. Yes, she said, being able to do something so amazing with my mind is fascinating and hyper-intelligent but now I have to never use dissociation again and start working towards integrating the memories and the feelings that I’ve detached from and stored away somewhere back into play so they can be played out properly and released in a healthy way. A course my reply was is that I don’t have any feelings in regards to my ex and when I detached from the horrible feelings and anger he would try to provoke in me, they left and dissipated. But according to my therapist that isn’t true and those feelings moved inward. But I completely remember seeing the fog of those feelings literally leaving me. I mean I literally saw the feelings as a fog, rise up and leave me…. no joke! So I’m totally confused on how the feelings are some where still trapped inside of me. 

So even though I understand where my therapist is coming from in regards to finding those “tucked away” feelings so I can become whole again, I had to let my therapist know that I already feel whole and happy and see no negativity in what has happened to me by my ex these last 4 yrs. Being bitter, spiteful and depressed would make me really take up her advice but I’m none of those things so I will maintain my position on letting things be as they may because Me, Myself and I were the ones that helped me get through the bad times and will always have my back! Having them as my sacred weapon is something I cherish too much to just say good bye to because they are apart of me and only rise when needed.

Finally Seeing Through the Veils

The Goddess Circle is one of the sources I refer to for guidance and understanding ever since I had my spiritual awakening. I don’t remember how I came across this page on Facebook but I was searching for a place to feel comfortable finding answers to life questions and exploring my gifts.

After reading the below post, it was the cherry to the sundae of the past couple of weeks I’ve been having; specifically last week. “We have been seeing in our lives the sticky bits rising, the sore spots, the wounds, the things from the basement that want and need to be seen. We have been coming face to face with what we want to peel away once and for all.” This statement from the post right here, OH MY GOD! I’m a visual person and when I read that I saw tar rising through the “cracks” of me. Those painful hidden things began rising in me, picking and prodding and eventually put me in the hospital trying to come to the surface. But finally it was revealed to me this week what has been plaguing me or should I say parasitize me my whole entire life. I’m a great energy source for narcissistic people. I have had 5 narcissistic relationships that I can think of, 1 intimate one with a narcissistic sociopath who was my ex-husband that has left some painful scars. To be honest I don’t even know how bad the childhood and friendship narcissistic relationships have damaged me because my mental blocks and defenses won’t let me or even a trained trauma therapist for PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) access those memories.

The flow of information and knowledge to me since I started on this journey has revealed a lot, some positive and now some negative. Early in my journey I learned that I’m a highly sensitive person, a very strong Empath. But unfortunately, that’s why I’m such a great source of energy for narcissists. Now, that I finally know the positive and negative attributes to myself, I can start truly healing and learning about myself in those relationships and how it wasn’t my fault and hopefully lose the guilt weight. I’m grateful for both the positive and negative, the light and the dark parts of me. I accept them both because they both have made me who I am and more importantly, who I will become.

 

Introduction to the Complacent Journey

journey2

The word complacency means pleased with oneself and I truly feel that this fits where I am in my life. That’s why I choose it to define my blog personality. I’m not perfect and neither is my life but I’m starting to be okay with the idea of stumbling around and learning as I go. Picking up the pieces of my missteps and mishaps along the way and waking up with one main goal in mind each day; which is to live in a state of mindfulness.

With that said, I’m on a journey of self-love after experiencing a spiritual awakening after a very traumatic event in my life a few months ago. How did I know it was a “spiritual awakening”? Well, for once in my life something terrible happened to me and I wasn’t mad or sad about it. I really couldn’t place a title to my feelings to the range of events that I was going through at that time other than I felt numb. Nothing felt right and normally I drive into the bible and into praying but I didn’t and I didn’t want to. It wasn’t out of anger towards God like I would do sometimes because like I said I wasn’t mad. I just had no desire to take that normal route, didn’t see the point in it. I knew that it wouldn’t fix how I was feeling. Plus, I’ve had bad experiences and bad events in my life before and I always turned to religion. It feels odd to say this but in that numbness it was like my mind was opened to a portal of endless life questions and one key question that was on constant repeat was “why keep doing the same ol’ things expecting different results” and my religion fell into that re-evaluation. Once that door was finally ripped off the hinges and I no longer had any inhibitions to not look beyond religion for the answers to “life”, that’s when the spiritual awakening occurred and my true healing began.

As I try to navigate through this new outlook and state of mind on life that I have, I will document my journey and be as honest and as truthful as possible about my experiences. By documenting them in this manner I’m hoping it will also help in my healing process from all my past pains and be helpful for other inquiring minds that want to do the same as I and step off of the societal merry-go-round.

“Strange is normal and whoever tells you otherwise should check their sanity.” The Complacent Mind