Complacency: Reflections of Self

After achieving what I thought I should as an adult, all those “accomplishments” lead to deep heart ache, pain, unhappiness and finding myself feeling empty, unsatisfied and alone.

After several months of being stuck in a void and I’m using the word void because I wasn’t sad or depressed, but I was in a state of emotionless. While in this void, my mind was on constant repeat, thinking the same thoughts over and over again. What am I doing wrong? How am I 34 and I don’t have anything together? Why do I feel so lost? While away on a trip I discovered several different topics and articles on Facebook that kept catching my interest. Figured if something keeps popping up I need to start paying attention to it. This began my journey into the unknown….. so I thought.

This journey of self-love, inner-peace, becoming spiritually in tune to my real self. The real Me and not who I think I should be, or who I thought I should be as a child or even when I thought I was in college, and definitely not who society says I should be. More importantly, not who my mom or my family think I should be or should have been.

My mind works differently from most, I noticed this at an early age. Always questioning life, rules, nature, adults and authority. Never took answers at face value and always wanted to learn beyond the surface. My mind sees disorder, chaos, things out of place and automatically starts analyzing and correcting them. I always thought it was my OCD until it enhanced my career by finding the flaws in a facility and their programs and on a personal level giving great advice. Unfortunately, it also gives off the persona of a “know it all” or always having something to say. Had to learn with maturity when to speak my truth and when to let people figure it out on their own. More importantly, not beat myself up when they fail or don’t figure it out. I’m a fixer by nature but everything and everyone doesn’t want to be fixed. Sometimes its best for things and people to stay broken. Can’t save the world by draining myself in the process. Learned to pick my battles so I can have successful wars.

Good vs. Evill

Religions has us convinced that there’s a good vs evil scenario going on in the world. Movies have us believing that there’s a good vs evil war going on in the universe. All thoughtfully done to control the masses. As some people focus on trying to be so good that they can’t be seen as evil and other people so hell bent on being so evil people won’t consider them good. These unspoken people have been directly affected by the cat and mouse game of society to keep our minds focused on one over the other rather than on both.

How does a person even know the difference between the two if the other didn’t exist to compare it to? Light couldn’t exist if there was no darkness, good couldn’t exist if there was no evil. Life is about balance. The issue with the universe and our world is they are out of balance. Evil has been “winning” at keeping this balance out of whack. Poisoning and distracting our souls and minds from what’s important in life. Controlling people through every aspect that can come to mind to keep us divided and at war with each other. Old vs new, iPhone vs Android, breastfeeding vs not breastfeeding, Black vs white, Hispanics vs non Hispanics, girl vs boy, Democrat vs republican and so on. All this division keeps us distracted as the balance in our world continues to stay out of whack.

Love the good and evil inside each of us, the light and the dark because we are made of both. This is why evil and good things happen in the world and the acceptance of both is why free will still exists.

Xtina

Looking at the moon and knowing there’s more to life than what’s on this planet  helps to keep me going. Looking up at the sky always calmed me and helped me keep all worries in my mind at bay. Looking up instantly brings a “home” feeling to my soul. 

I always wondered if the universe was just one big brain because the galaxies look like nerve ends and synopsis connections. So many of the astral forms in space reflect cells and connective tissues like in our bodies. Is the universe a living organism just like us?! Can this be a question or a statement?! 

The moon feels like love when I see her and sun warms me like an embrace from a man that I’ve been desiring for like ever. My heart and soul lies with the stars. I’m drawn to the X in the sky and have been drawned to it ever since I could remember. In high school I named the X in the sky Xtina. Never knew my X in the sky was a constellation,  pointed to Sirius A or housed the Orion Nebula. First time I saw this nebula I fell in love and was submerged in a feeling of wonder. Being drawn to the X in the sky was finally making sense. Home are we?!


Poker Face


I cracked through my ego last week and it was a very emotional, high anxiety experience to say the least. Seeing the face you’ve worn for so long for what it really is is scary. Then your true self finally being able to be seen and heard for the first time is terrifying. I don’t know the true me and that’s scary and that’s what caused the high anxiety. Being able to finally distinguish between my egos voice and my real voice is a great feeling but my real voice is so soft spoken. Calming my ego and telling her to chill out and back off is tough. It’s like yelling at or reprimanding your 2 year old daughter. She’s your mini you and you never want to hurt her feelings in any way because it hurts you so much  when you have to discipline or correct her.

I have to keep telling myself that I am not my ego and I have to break the cycle of doing what I use to do because someone told me I should do it, should like it, should say it, should wear it, etc. I’ve never realized how many of my life choices were really somebody else’s choices that I took on as my own to either please someone, or didn’t want go against their beliefs or opinions, or I respected and looked up to so I never deared to question their choices and influence over me. Now as an adult and looking at my life choices and analyzing them against my childhood dreams, they don’t align and I really need to know how I lost my way. Finally finding my true voice will be able to help answer these questions. I don’t want to go along just to get along anymore and I’m definitely tired of the poker face. So if it’s going against the norm, disappointing others to stay true to myself, or whatever I’m going to do that because I done not being me for the sake of others. I will no longer let my ego trap me in a life of conforming.

The Funk


I’ve been in a blah state of mind lately. I guess you can call it a funk. Now that I’m coming into my true self I’ve been questioning a lot about myself and my life lately. Since I no longer have to do anything I don’t want to do. Since I no longer have to follow the rules and save face towards things and people I don’t care to entertain anymore. Now what?

Is this “funk” apart of my awakening, my journey? Or am I depressed and suppressing things in such a beautiful way it’s being disguised as a spiritual awakening?  Rewriting your present and future from the past 30+ years of rules, beliefs, dreams, etc. that have either been placed on me and I took them as my truth or society had pushed on me as the “ways” to become a successful, highly functional person is lonely and confusing. 

Sometimes I want to be around people than I know I won’t have much to talk to them about because I really want to talk about spiritual, in depth things and no “normal” person wants to talk about that. Sometimes I want to have a love interest than other times I feel like why bother, most men was scared of me when I was just intelligent and witty, now I’m intelligent, witty and awoke in my true self……a triple threat.

I just don’t know how to feel about this process that I’m in right now. I’m glad that I no longer have to be just to be and live just to live but I’m lonely and it’s starting to take a toll on me. I guess it’s time to start searching and “being” in this funk so I can find out why I’m feeling like this. Stay tuned!

Get Off of Me!


Yesterday I had a very weird experience. My daughter attends a toddler gymnastic class and there’s this couple that goes with their daughter. The mom gives off a weird vibe and I noticed it when I was around them during class changeovers prior to my daughter moving up into this new class. The only interaction I’ve had with the mom is one day during the beginning of class when the instructor was going over each floor obstacle she was in the way blocking everyone’s view like the instructor was only talking to her and her child. I nicely asked her could she move because we couldn’t see and I guess that was the end of us ever being parent friends. Since that day that woman will walk past me and my child like we don’t exist. They have a habit of sitting in front of the shoe storage cubby holes to change after class; which is where I put my daughter and I things. When I would say excuse me so I can get our things she would give me just this vague acknowledgment and slightly move to the left or right. Freaking annoying! 

Well, you know us empaths, I was wondering maybe I’m just overthinking it. Maybe I’m not picking up a weird vibe. Maybe she’s just an overbearing mom that overly critiques her 3 year kid because of her dreams of once wanting to become a gymnast. Maybe she’s a really nice mom, friend and girlfriend or wife and it’s just me, I’m just overthinking it. Well, at class yesterday we had a short trampoline lesson and her daughter freaked out from having all eyes on her during her turn. During her daughters freak out my daughter was being a butt and not listening, so the class moved on to a different apparatus and left both of us at the trampoline. While holding my daughter trying to calm her down, this woman sits down on the edge of the trampoline directly on my foot. When she sat on my foot I instantly had this overwhelming urge to pull my foot away so I did. She replies, oh I’m sorry and because I knew how ignorant it came off because of the speed and urgency I just ripped my foot from under her I responded it’s ok, even though it wasn’t. 

Immediately, I start feeling this burning sensation on my foot and on the lower part of my leg because apparently she touched me there when she sat on me. I start freaking out on the inside because I realize I was right, this woman’s vibes are all wrong and now she’s passed that energy to me. My leg starts burning sp bad that I forget about my daughter who is cutting up and having a fit and start thinking about what I can put on my foot and leg to take away this horrible sensation. I think water but no it will just absorb and dry. Then I see hand sanitizer in the lobby. It has alcohol in it that gives off a cooling sensation when it drys so maybe it will counteract this burning sensation. So I grab some and rub it on my foot and leg and it works. 

Lesson learned here, follow your God given gifts and let them guide you. I didn’t have a feeling that this woman was a bad person just that she’s not someone I should be around or interact with. It took her touching me to get confirmation on that. I still don’t know why I can’t interact with her or why our energies/vibes are different but hey getting burned this way will be the only burn I need to maintain distance.

Maybe This Spiritual Thing Isn’t For Me


Today was a rough day for me and I almost resorted back to the old me. I was about to say forget all of this mindfulness and spiritual growth. Today was a reminder that no matter how spiritual I am and how intune I am to my higher self, I’m still human and in this world. 

Today I learned that my ex-husband has either illegally sold the vehicle I’m jointly on with him or he is hiding the vehicle from the bank and the repo company. The beginning of April he was supposed to voluntary turn over the vehicle to the bank and today (several weeks later) I learned that he gave them an address to pick up the vehicle but never showed up and now is not answering his phone or returning their phone calls. Then to make matters worse, he is now flaunting around a new vehicle on Facebook. A course when I learned this the old me started calculating and plotting to get my vehicle back and to f*** this dude up. But I caught myself and calmed myself down and got up to start walking around to distract myself and break up bad thoughts. 

With all that this man has done to me, not once have I ever wanted to get him back. I don’t know what triggered me with this situation to react in this way. But I’m glad that I was able to notice myself going down that rabbit hole and was able to stop it. Nothing good would have come from me getting revenge against him, especially with him being a narcissistic sociopath other than karma against myself and an endless cycle of him thinking he can continue to have access to me. 

Today I’m very thankful of my spiritual growth and maturity. Being able to control my thoughts to help keep me out of trouble and out of jail, so I can let my lawyer and the authorities handle this mess.