The Funk


I’ve been in a blah state of mind lately. I guess you can call it a funk. Now that I’m coming into my true self I’ve been questioning a lot about myself and my life lately. Since I no longer have to do anything I don’t want to do. Since I no longer have to follow the rules and save face towards things and people I don’t care to entertain anymore. Now what?

Is this “funk” apart of my awakening, my journey? Or am I depressed and suppressing things in such a beautiful way it’s being disguised as a spiritual awakening?  Rewriting your present and future from the past 30+ years of rules, beliefs, dreams, etc. that have either been placed on me and I took them as my truth or society had pushed on me as the “ways” to become a successful, highly functional person is lonely and confusing. 

Sometimes I want to be around people than I know I won’t have much to talk to them about because I really want to talk about spiritual, in depth things and no “normal” person wants to talk about that. Sometimes I want to have a love interest than other times I feel like why bother, most men was scared of me when I was just intelligent and witty, now I’m intelligent, witty and awoke in my true self……a triple threat.

I just don’t know how to feel about this process that I’m in right now. I’m glad that I no longer have to be just to be and live just to live but I’m lonely and it’s starting to take a toll on me. I guess it’s time to start searching and “being” in this funk so I can find out why I’m feeling like this. Stay tuned!

Get Off of Me!


Yesterday I had a very weird experience. My daughter attends a toddler gymnastic class and there’s this couple that goes with their daughter. The mom gives off a weird vibe and I noticed it when I was around them during class changeovers prior to my daughter moving up into this new class. The only interaction I’ve had with the mom is one day during the beginning of class when the instructor was going over each floor obstacle she was in the way blocking everyone’s view like the instructor was only talking to her and her child. I nicely asked her could she move because we couldn’t see and I guess that was the end of us ever being parent friends. Since that day that woman will walk past me and my child like we don’t exist. They have a habit of sitting in front of the shoe storage cubby holes to change after class; which is where I put my daughter and I things. When I would say excuse me so I can get our things she would give me just this vague acknowledgment and slightly move to the left or right. Freaking annoying! 

Well, you know us empaths, I was wondering maybe I’m just overthinking it. Maybe I’m not picking up a weird vibe. Maybe she’s just an overbearing mom that overly critiques her 3 year kid because of her dreams of once wanting to become a gymnast. Maybe she’s a really nice mom, friend and girlfriend or wife and it’s just me, I’m just overthinking it. Well, at class yesterday we had a short trampoline lesson and her daughter freaked out from having all eyes on her during her turn. During her daughters freak out my daughter was being a butt and not listening, so the class moved on to a different apparatus and left both of us at the trampoline. While holding my daughter trying to calm her down, this woman sits down on the edge of the trampoline directly on my foot. When she sat on my foot I instantly had this overwhelming urge to pull my foot away so I did. She replies, oh I’m sorry and because I knew how ignorant it came off because of the speed and urgency I just ripped my foot from under her I responded it’s ok, even though it wasn’t. 

Immediately, I start feeling this burning sensation on my foot and on the lower part of my leg because apparently she touched me there when she sat on me. I start freaking out on the inside because I realize I was right, this woman’s vibes are all wrong and now she’s passed that energy to me. My leg starts burning sp bad that I forget about my daughter who is cutting up and having a fit and start thinking about what I can put on my foot and leg to take away this horrible sensation. I think water but no it will just absorb and dry. Then I see hand sanitizer in the lobby. It has alcohol in it that gives off a cooling sensation when it drys so maybe it will counteract this burning sensation. So I grab some and rub it on my foot and leg and it works. 

Lesson learned here, follow your God given gifts and let them guide you. I didn’t have a feeling that this woman was a bad person just that she’s not someone I should be around or interact with. It took her touching me to get confirmation on that. I still don’t know why I can’t interact with her or why our energies/vibes are different but hey getting burned this way will be the only burn I need to maintain distance.

Maybe This Spiritual Thing Isn’t For Me


Today was a rough day for me and I almost resorted back to the old me. I was about to say forget all of this mindfulness and spiritual growth. Today was a reminder that no matter how spiritual I am and how intune I am to my higher self, I’m still human and in this world. 

Today I learned that my ex-husband has either illegally sold the vehicle I’m jointly on with him or he is hiding the vehicle from the bank and the repo company. The beginning of April he was supposed to voluntary turn over the vehicle to the bank and today (several weeks later) I learned that he gave them an address to pick up the vehicle but never showed up and now is not answering his phone or returning their phone calls. Then to make matters worse, he is now flaunting around a new vehicle on Facebook. A course when I learned this the old me started calculating and plotting to get my vehicle back and to f*** this dude up. But I caught myself and calmed myself down and got up to start walking around to distract myself and break up bad thoughts. 

With all that this man has done to me, not once have I ever wanted to get him back. I don’t know what triggered me with this situation to react in this way. But I’m glad that I was able to notice myself going down that rabbit hole and was able to stop it. Nothing good would have come from me getting revenge against him, especially with him being a narcissistic sociopath other than karma against myself and an endless cycle of him thinking he can continue to have access to me. 

Today I’m very thankful of my spiritual growth and maturity. Being able to control my thoughts to help keep me out of trouble and out of jail, so I can let my lawyer and the authorities handle this mess.

State of Confusion

guides

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve had some very interesting things happen to me spiritually wise. I was visited by “guides” during several dreams that exposed me to a lot knowledge. I was very excited to have these encounters until a course I started thinking about what they shared with me, then my excitement turned to confusion. ¬†As I did my research and followed the bread crumbs the guides would leave me to find books they wanted me to read to help myself become clear or putting what I thought was a random actress Scarlett Johansson in my dream but later that day came across an article that resonated with me and guess who was on the image of the article….. Scarlett Johansson from the movie Lucy. I was receiving a lot of confirmations of the things they were showing me in my dreams in my waking life, once again was very exciting but then it turns into confusion.

As I read more articles and researched more topics on spiritual awakening and the universal consciousness, I became jaded. I always thought I was special, one of kind and having these dreams and interacting with these guides was like my confirmation that “Yes, I am special and all the pain and suffering I’ve had through out my life wasn’t in vain. All the solitude and not being able to connect with most people because I couldn’t think on their level or relate to their materialism and selfishness wasn’t in vain. All the isolation and changing who I was to be able to fit in then later in adulthood saying screw this I’m being me, wasn’t in vain. Hiding my strengths and my abilities so people wouldn’t think I was weird in hopes it would help me fit in, wasn’t in vain.” But then to learn that so many other people are having the same experiences that I’m having with my guides and the knowledge they’ve showed me I became disappointed. My uniqueness and these extraordinary encounters with these guides no longer felt special to me anymore. Once again I know I’m dealing with my ego in regards to my disappointment but I just can’t shake this feeling of being jaded. I wanted these encounters to be unique to me and me only. I wanted to be special, I needed to be special. But now I’m back at feeling confused and wondering what to do from here. What to do with the knowledge that has been given to me. How do I get past my ego so I can continue my journey now knowing I’m unique in knowing this knowledge but not unique in being a messenger of it.

Finally Seeing Through the Veils

The Goddess Circle is one of the sources I refer to for guidance and understanding ever since I had my spiritual awakening. I don’t remember how I came across this page on Facebook but I was searching for a place to feel comfortable finding answers to life questions and exploring my gifts.

After reading the below post, it was the cherry to the sundae of the past couple of weeks I’ve been having; specifically last week. “We have been seeing in our lives the sticky bits rising, the sore spots, the wounds, the things from the basement that want and need to be seen. We have been coming face to face with what we want to peel away once and for all.” This statement from the post right here, OH MY GOD! I’m a visual person and when I read that I saw tar rising through the “cracks” of me. Those painful hidden things began rising in me, picking and prodding and eventually put me in the hospital trying to come to the surface. But finally it was revealed to me this week what has been plaguing me or should I say parasitize me my whole entire life. I’m a great energy source for narcissistic people. I have had 5 narcissistic relationships that I can think of, 1 intimate one with a narcissistic sociopath who was my ex-husband that has left some painful scars. To be honest I don’t even know how bad the childhood and friendship narcissistic relationships have damaged me because my mental blocks and defenses won’t let me or even a trained trauma therapist for PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) access those memories.

The flow of information and knowledge to me since I started on this journey has revealed a lot, some positive and now some negative. Early in my journey I learned that I’m a highly sensitive person, a very strong Empath. But unfortunately, that’s why I’m such a great source of energy for narcissists. Now, that I finally know the positive and negative attributes to myself, I can start truly healing and learning about myself in those relationships and how it wasn’t my fault and hopefully lose the guilt weight. I’m grateful for both the positive and negative, the light and the dark parts of me. I accept them both because they both have made me who I am and more importantly, who I will become.

 

Introduction to the Complacent Journey

journey2

The word complacency means pleased with oneself and I truly feel that this fits where I am in my life. That’s why I choose it to define my blog personality. I’m not perfect and neither is my life but I’m starting to be okay with the idea of stumbling around and learning as I go. Picking up the pieces of my missteps and mishaps along the way and waking up with one main goal in mind each day; which is to live in a state of mindfulness.

With that said, I’m on a journey of self-love after experiencing a spiritual awakening after a very traumatic event in my life a few months ago. How did I know it was a “spiritual awakening”? Well, for once in my life something terrible happened to me and I wasn’t mad or sad about it. I really couldn’t place a title to my feelings to the range of events that I was going through at that time other than I felt numb. Nothing felt right and normally I drive into the bible and into praying but I didn’t and I didn’t want to. It wasn’t out of anger towards God like I would do sometimes because like I said I wasn’t mad. I just had no desire to take that normal route, didn’t see the point in it. I knew that it wouldn’t fix how I was feeling. Plus, I’ve had bad experiences and bad events in my life before and I always turned to religion. It feels odd to say this but in that numbness it was like my mind was opened to a portal of endless life questions and one key question that was on constant repeat was “why keep doing the same ol’ things expecting different results” and my religion fell into that re-evaluation. Once that door was finally ripped off the hinges and I no longer had any inhibitions to not look beyond religion for the answers to “life”, that’s when the spiritual awakening occurred and my true healing began.

As I try to navigate through this new outlook and state of mind on life that I have, I will document my journey and be as honest and as truthful as possible about my experiences. By documenting them in this manner I’m hoping it will also help in my healing process from all my past pains and be helpful for other inquiring minds that want to do the same as I and step off of the societal merry-go-round.

“Strange is normal and whoever tells you otherwise should check their sanity.” The Complacent Mind