The Funk


I’ve been in a blah state of mind lately. I guess you can call it a funk. Now that I’m coming into my true self I’ve been questioning a lot about myself and my life lately. Since I no longer have to do anything I don’t want to do. Since I no longer have to follow the rules and save face towards things and people I don’t care to entertain anymore. Now what?

Is this “funk” apart of my awakening, my journey? Or am I depressed and suppressing things in such a beautiful way it’s being disguised as a spiritual awakening?  Rewriting your present and future from the past 30+ years of rules, beliefs, dreams, etc. that have either been placed on me and I took them as my truth or society had pushed on me as the “ways” to become a successful, highly functional person is lonely and confusing. 

Sometimes I want to be around people than I know I won’t have much to talk to them about because I really want to talk about spiritual, in depth things and no “normal” person wants to talk about that. Sometimes I want to have a love interest than other times I feel like why bother, most men was scared of me when I was just intelligent and witty, now I’m intelligent, witty and awoke in my true self……a triple threat.

I just don’t know how to feel about this process that I’m in right now. I’m glad that I no longer have to be just to be and live just to live but I’m lonely and it’s starting to take a toll on me. I guess it’s time to start searching and “being” in this funk so I can find out why I’m feeling like this. Stay tuned!

Get Off of Me!


Yesterday I had a very weird experience. My daughter attends a toddler gymnastic class and there’s this couple that goes with their daughter. The mom gives off a weird vibe and I noticed it when I was around them during class changeovers prior to my daughter moving up into this new class. The only interaction I’ve had with the mom is one day during the beginning of class when the instructor was going over each floor obstacle she was in the way blocking everyone’s view like the instructor was only talking to her and her child. I nicely asked her could she move because we couldn’t see and I guess that was the end of us ever being parent friends. Since that day that woman will walk past me and my child like we don’t exist. They have a habit of sitting in front of the shoe storage cubby holes to change after class; which is where I put my daughter and I things. When I would say excuse me so I can get our things she would give me just this vague acknowledgment and slightly move to the left or right. Freaking annoying! 

Well, you know us empaths, I was wondering maybe I’m just overthinking it. Maybe I’m not picking up a weird vibe. Maybe she’s just an overbearing mom that overly critiques her 3 year kid because of her dreams of once wanting to become a gymnast. Maybe she’s a really nice mom, friend and girlfriend or wife and it’s just me, I’m just overthinking it. Well, at class yesterday we had a short trampoline lesson and her daughter freaked out from having all eyes on her during her turn. During her daughters freak out my daughter was being a butt and not listening, so the class moved on to a different apparatus and left both of us at the trampoline. While holding my daughter trying to calm her down, this woman sits down on the edge of the trampoline directly on my foot. When she sat on my foot I instantly had this overwhelming urge to pull my foot away so I did. She replies, oh I’m sorry and because I knew how ignorant it came off because of the speed and urgency I just ripped my foot from under her I responded it’s ok, even though it wasn’t. 

Immediately, I start feeling this burning sensation on my foot and on the lower part of my leg because apparently she touched me there when she sat on me. I start freaking out on the inside because I realize I was right, this woman’s vibes are all wrong and now she’s passed that energy to me. My leg starts burning sp bad that I forget about my daughter who is cutting up and having a fit and start thinking about what I can put on my foot and leg to take away this horrible sensation. I think water but no it will just absorb and dry. Then I see hand sanitizer in the lobby. It has alcohol in it that gives off a cooling sensation when it drys so maybe it will counteract this burning sensation. So I grab some and rub it on my foot and leg and it works. 

Lesson learned here, follow your God given gifts and let them guide you. I didn’t have a feeling that this woman was a bad person just that she’s not someone I should be around or interact with. It took her touching me to get confirmation on that. I still don’t know why I can’t interact with her or why our energies/vibes are different but hey getting burned this way will be the only burn I need to maintain distance.

Maybe This Spiritual Thing Isn’t For Me


Today was a rough day for me and I almost resorted back to the old me. I was about to say forget all of this mindfulness and spiritual growth. Today was a reminder that no matter how spiritual I am and how intune I am to my higher self, I’m still human and in this world. 

Today I learned that my ex-husband has either illegally sold the vehicle I’m jointly on with him or he is hiding the vehicle from the bank and the repo company. The beginning of April he was supposed to voluntary turn over the vehicle to the bank and today (several weeks later) I learned that he gave them an address to pick up the vehicle but never showed up and now is not answering his phone or returning their phone calls. Then to make matters worse, he is now flaunting around a new vehicle on Facebook. A course when I learned this the old me started calculating and plotting to get my vehicle back and to f*** this dude up. But I caught myself and calmed myself down and got up to start walking around to distract myself and break up bad thoughts. 

With all that this man has done to me, not once have I ever wanted to get him back. I don’t know what triggered me with this situation to react in this way. But I’m glad that I was able to notice myself going down that rabbit hole and was able to stop it. Nothing good would have come from me getting revenge against him, especially with him being a narcissistic sociopath other than karma against myself and an endless cycle of him thinking he can continue to have access to me. 

Today I’m very thankful of my spiritual growth and maturity. Being able to control my thoughts to help keep me out of trouble and out of jail, so I can let my lawyer and the authorities handle this mess.

State of Confusion

guides

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve had some very interesting things happen to me spiritually wise. I was visited by “guides” during several dreams that exposed me to a lot knowledge. I was very excited to have these encounters until a course I started thinking about what they shared with me, then my excitement turned to confusion. ¬†As I did my research and followed the bread crumbs the guides would leave me to find books they wanted me to read to help myself become clear or putting what I thought was a random actress Scarlett Johansson in my dream but later that day came across an article that resonated with me and guess who was on the image of the article….. Scarlett Johansson from the movie Lucy. I was receiving a lot of confirmations of the things they were showing me in my dreams in my waking life, once again was very exciting but then it turns into confusion.

As I read more articles and researched more topics on spiritual awakening and the universal consciousness, I became jaded. I always thought I was special, one of kind and having these dreams and interacting with these guides was like my confirmation that “Yes, I am special and all the pain and suffering I’ve had through out my life wasn’t in vain. All the solitude and not being able to connect with most people because I couldn’t think on their level or relate to their materialism and selfishness wasn’t in vain. All the isolation and changing who I was to be able to fit in then later in adulthood saying screw this I’m being me, wasn’t in vain. Hiding my strengths and my abilities so people wouldn’t think I was weird in hopes it would help me fit in, wasn’t in vain.” But then to learn that so many other people are having the same experiences that I’m having with my guides and the knowledge they’ve showed me I became disappointed. My uniqueness and these extraordinary encounters with these guides no longer felt special to me anymore. Once again I know I’m dealing with my ego in regards to my disappointment but I just can’t shake this feeling of being jaded. I wanted these encounters to be unique to me and me only. I wanted to be special, I needed to be special. But now I’m back at feeling confused and wondering what to do from here. What to do with the knowledge that has been given to me. How do I get past my ego so I can continue my journey now knowing I’m unique in knowing this knowledge but not unique in being a messenger of it.

Girl, Don’t Do It!

magic hands

I had an odd encounter at work today and I need to get it out. I’m a very strong empath and I feel other people’s emotions and thoughts. Just yesterday I learned that I have clairsentience; which is the ability to feel and experience energy in an intuitive way.

So we’re having an offsite “team building” outing at a restaurant and the core of our team gets along very well. We have been at this place for a good couple of hours now and everyone but me have had plenty of drinks and are pretty relax with each other and with their conversations. My one co-worker Nancy (name changed for blog) brings up that there’s a luncheon tomorrow that she was invited to by another department at our job. At that moment everyone in our group realize that she was the only one invited. So the conversation changed from individual side conversations to one conversation about why did Nancy get invited and no one else in our group. Then Nancy says that this other group plus people from another company called Shopco were also invited. Another coworker named Tiny asked who from Shopco was invited to the luncheon and Nancy replies “my friend Gina”.

Let’s pause and rewind a year prior. I was the one who interviewed Tiny for her position and after I interviewed her, my coworker Nancy came to me saying she had the scoop on Tiny from her friend Gina that used to work with Tiny at Shopco. This Gina girl had nothing nice to say about Tiny and after Nancy told me all the scoop I told her that its never good to base your opinions on someone else’s experience with her. Let’s form our own opinion of her and hope they’re wrong about her.

Now fast forward back to today, when Nancy tells Tiny that Gina is the Shopco person invited to the luncheon, I immediately felt anger from across the table. Then its hard to explain but I just felt I just needed to stop Tiny from saying anything because I just knew she was about to let the flood gates of nasty secrets that she knew about this Gina girl come out. I don’t know how I knew this was about to happen, but I just knew and boy was I right! Tiny busted those gates wide open! I tried everything I could possibly do to try to get her attention to stop her from embarrassing herself. I know Nancy means well but I knew she was going to go back and tell her friend Gina everything Tiny was about to say about her. Plus, Tiny has no clue about Nancy having those preconceive notions about her from Gina when she came to work with us from Shopco.

I tried telepathy; which I can say worked because she would look at me, I would stare her down and she would stop talking but she would fight it and then she would go right back to spilling more beans. It got to the point I started clapping my hands to try to get her attention and she would completely ignore me because she was so entrenched in her anger; but a course I was calling attention to myself by everyone else. Then I over stepped my boundaries but I had to once she crossed the line and started talking about the girl having an affair with a married man. I stood up out of my chair and reached across the table and grabbed her hand. It shocked her and all my coworkers but it worked. My coworker Nancy was like what is going on that we are touching each other. My other coworker Bob who was sitting next to Tiny saw my hand on hers and then for some reason placed his hand on top of mines. I looked at her and just smiled and kept shaking my head thinking No, No, No. Tiny then says what is going on, I’m so upset, I’m about to leave. I knew what was wrong, I kept my hand on top of hers and rubbing her hand until I couldn’t take it anymore. But it worked, her anger drained from her into me and she calmed down, the mood changed, the conversation changed and she didn’t leave. Everybody went back to their conversations like nothing happened. But Tiny was so mad and so enraged her energy hurt me when I touched her! So when I say I placed my hand on top of hers as long as I could take it, I really meant that. Writing about it now I still feel the odd pain on the surface of my palm.

Now that I’m home I’m super tired and all I want to do is take a Epsom salt bath to cleanse all that energy off of me. But I do have to say, that was a super cool experience!

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

golden mirror

I had a very intriguing session yesterday with my therapist. While discussing my digestion of the recent discovery of my ex-husband being a narcissistic sociopath, we decided to dive deeper into my relationships with “me focused” people.

This deep dive project surfaced from me telling my therapist about some memories that arose when a lot of different events, including the past 4 years of my life with my ex-husband started to put a lot of scattered puzzle pieces of my life together. For example, one key puzzle piece was that my dad was abusive and based on the things my mom has told me about things he did to her while married he is definitely a narcissist and my granddad was more than likely a narcissistic sociopath based on the family stories I’ve heard about him; which are 10 times worse than what my dad was doing to my mom. So there’s definitely a generational curse going on on my dad side with this mental disease. One of the memories that arose was one of my granddad when I was in high school around the time when he was falling ill with lung cancer. My dad was in town and left me and my sister at my granddad’s for some quality time. I was at his apartment trying to heat up some food in his microwave, but he had an older microwave and I didn’t know how to work it. I had to ask him more than once how to use it because he was being short with his answers like he was annoyed with me. Maybe, this was my third time asking him how to set the minutes and before I could finish getting my ask out he pushed me hard out of the way, started yelling at me and calling me names. My therapist asked me do I remember what I did and I replied that during that time in my life whenever anyone would yell at me it would remind me of hearing my parents arguing and I would freeze and I would block everything out. So in that moment I froze, blocked him out and walked away.

Then I continued to tell my therapist that prior to my family moving to another state I went to stay with my granddad for a little bit when I was 4 while my mom was getting everything in place with her new job and the house. I don’t remember staying with him, but this is what I was told and based on one story my mom would tell. When she went to go get me from him after this extended stay, she passed this dirty little girl riding on a big wheel bike and she thinks “ahh she’s a really cute girl somebody should wash her up, do her hair and be out here watching her.” When she gets to my granddad’s apartment she asks for me and he replies, she’s outside riding her bike you probably passed her. My mom then immediately turns from him, goes and picks up that cute, dirty little girl she passed not knowing it was me and leaves without grabbing any of my things. I then relay to my therapist that I am concerned, now knowing what my granddad may have been, what I may have been exposed to while living with him during that period of time. My therapist tells me if the body has no response to the thought of him then maybe, just maybe I don’t have anything to worry about but as these memories arise in due time will tell.

So I’m assuming to pull my focus from feeling helpless in this situation, my therapist asked me to think of a friend that I had or have that wasn’t “me focused” and to be honest I had to really search through my memories to find a person that wasn’t. Majority of all the people in my life that I befriended or more so befriended me were
“me focused”. A lot of friends that had befriended me was for their sole purpose only. For example, I’m very smart and in high school and college a lot of people would befriend me to help them with their assignments or get notes for class or to try to cheat off of. Once they realized that I wasn’t going to allow them to cheat off of me or I was going to make them put in work when we had group assignments those people would eventually fall to the waste side. But a course the narcissists, the tricksters, the manipulators knew just how to pull on the heart strings or spin their web to make me believe they were really my friend while they used me.

After thinking for a minute or two, I finally thought of a person that wasn’t anything like any of these “me focused” friends. My therapist then asked me to list what was different about this person and the main things that came to mind was this person was mellow, focused on their children and wasn’t visually self-conscious about their image. Then my therapist stated “so you said this person was mellow like their vibrations were low, mellow toned”, then asked me how did this make me feel? I replied it made me feel uncomfortable and like in typical therapist fashion she asked “why” and I replied, because I’m not used to mellow, I’m use to people who are high wired, high vibration and at the same time we both say “chaotic”. Then another puzzle piece fell into place, maybe I’m gravitating towards people who are “me focused”, high vibratory because that’s familiar. I grew up in a household that was “me focused” and chaotic. My entire life has been nothing but chaos, whenever there is a moment of peace or mellowness I feel uncomfortable and become anxious. That’s why I’ve always been a busy body, constantly active which leads to being burnt out and stressed out on the regular.  But also kept me from having to think or wallow in the pain that was my life.

I do want to know what’s “wrong”with me and what I need to do to fix the deep dark parts of me to make myself whole, especially after going through a traumatic marriage and separation. At first when I learned that I’m partly to blame for some of these hardwired poor decisions it saddened me and made me think that I’m way more screwed up than I originally thought. No wonder I attract crap in my life. But after a day of processing, I became inspired and felt better knowing this information.

So Mirror, Mirror on the Wall …. no I’m not to blame for what is attracted to me and no I’m not to blame for what I’m attracted to, but I am responsible for my attractions after I’m made aware to these factors that have made me hardwired to this dysfunction. Time to choose wisely. Time to change the woman in the mirror!

Finally Seeing Through the Veils

The Goddess Circle is one of the sources I refer to for guidance and understanding ever since I had my spiritual awakening. I don’t remember how I came across this page on Facebook but I was searching for a place to feel comfortable finding answers to life questions and exploring my gifts.

After reading the below post, it was the cherry to the sundae of the past couple of weeks I’ve been having; specifically last week. “We have been seeing in our lives the sticky bits rising, the sore spots, the wounds, the things from the basement that want and need to be seen. We have been coming face to face with what we want to peel away once and for all.” This statement from the post right here, OH MY GOD! I’m a visual person and when I read that I saw tar rising through the “cracks” of me. Those painful hidden things began rising in me, picking and prodding and eventually put me in the hospital trying to come to the surface. But finally it was revealed to me this week what has been plaguing me or should I say parasitize me my whole entire life. I’m a great energy source for narcissistic people. I have had 5 narcissistic relationships that I can think of, 1 intimate one with a narcissistic sociopath who was my ex-husband that has left some painful scars. To be honest I don’t even know how bad the childhood and friendship narcissistic relationships have damaged me because my mental blocks and defenses won’t let me or even a trained trauma therapist for PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) access those memories.

The flow of information and knowledge to me since I started on this journey has revealed a lot, some positive and now some negative. Early in my journey I learned that I’m a highly sensitive person, a very strong Empath. But unfortunately, that’s why I’m such a great source of energy for narcissists. Now, that I finally know the positive and negative attributes to myself, I can start truly healing and learning about myself in those relationships and how it wasn’t my fault and hopefully lose the guilt weight. I’m grateful for both the positive and negative, the light and the dark parts of me. I accept them both because they both have made me who I am and more importantly, who I will become.