Ancestor Veneration

I’ve never spoke on ancestor veneration or praising my ancestors while walking this spiritual path because I didn’t see how it pertained to me. I never understood why it was needed. Being a Christian damn near all my life tainted my view on all things spiritual. Even with all the things I have experienced and all the powers I have access to now, I was still looking at my path still through a Christian lense. Not fully able to see my ancestors as positive entities and energy that was supposed to be praised and acknowledged. Unable to truly experience divinity, because I didn’t see my ancestors as the key to my past, present and future. Yes, they have spoken to me, attended spiritual rites that occurred to me in the astral and on other realms, given me insight on my mom and sister, but never once did I truly feel I needed this connection with them to excel in life. I didn’t grow up in a household where we even acknowledged our ancestors or recently passed relatives, so including it now wasn’t understood or familiar.

After researching Ifa and Hoodoo, it became clear to me why ancestor veneration was a requirement for these practices. My genetics is the key to all and that key wouldn’t have been made available to me if they didn’t come before me. Knowing I come from a lineage of priestesses and priest, how can I excel and reawaken this in our family if I don’t stand on the shoulders of the ones that came before me and are excited that I’m here to finally put our lineage back on track. I’m not only powerful but my children are powerful. How can I truly help them mold their gifts if I don’t first call on the ones before us that contributed to the potency of our gifts. We are powerful and tapped in because the knowledge was already inscripted in our DNA before we even got here.

So, a couple of days ago I sat down at the altar I put together a year or so ago and spoke to my ancestors. They came through and told me how they want their altar to look and the items they wanted included. Yesterday, I was finally able to make it to my favorite witchy supply store aka Dollar Tree and get some supplies. This morning I set up my ancestor altar in a separate space from my working altar. Laid the lace, goblet of water, cup of fruit, my maternal grandma’s favorite cookies and placed 3 photos. Lit my white candle and asked for their assistance throughout the day and in return offered myself to be of assistance to them.

Back story, butterflies are my mom’s side of the family totem. The story is when my grandad/mother’s dad was lowered into the ground a sworn of butterflies appeared and surrounded everyone. So, butterflies were incorporated into everything from that day forward. I even have 3 butterflies tattooed on me. But ever since I had my falling out with my mom, my association with butterflies has been a little tainted. But this morning, when I was getting in my car to take my daughter up to the bus stop, I noticed a white bug on my seat. Thrown back but calm surprisingly, I looked closer and noticed it was a very furry white spotted moth. Absolutely gorgeous and stunning to see! Reminded me of those cute moths I’ve seen posted on Pinterest. So beautiful it could of been mistaken for a butterfly. I’ve never seen a moth like this before, but instantly knew it was from my ancestors. Just that quickly I knew that I was on the right track with making the changes to create an altar specifically for them and incorporating them into my spiritual life properly.

Large Tolype Moth

Knowing that this moth was a gift, I was going to gently ease it off my seat and guide it to leave out of the car. But when I went to nudge it, it just rolled to its side. Due to running behind and not having the time to see if it was dead or not, I collected it in a box and placed it in my garage just in case it was still alive. With all signs I receive, did a google search to see what the spiritual meaning might be on my way to work. With discernment came across some info that best resonated with me. “A white moth is said to embody the soul of a loved one. White being the symbolic color of purity of the soul, and the embodiment comes from an ancient idea that the night (realm of the moth) is a dwelling place for souls (in terms of the Underworld or Otherworld).” “Moths represent transformation, hidden knowledge, inner wisdom, psychic abilities, and shadow work. They are connected to the moon, feminine and yin energies, and intuitive discoveries. They show up to help you discover your hidden desires and awaken to your true self.https://crystalclearintuition.com/moth-meaning/

In typical mystical fashion, when I got home the moth was no longer in the box or showed any signs of being in the garage. Even checked the garage at night to see if I could find it active but nothing. Glad to see it was still alive but sad to see it wasn’t there so I could admire its beauty.

Love Spell

Being apart of several “witchy” groups, I’ve noticed the main thing girls in these groups want to do is cast love spells on guys. Or hex or curse a guy that hurt them but that’s a subject for another blog. I can admit that I’ve never wanted to “cast” a love spell, mainly because I didn’t know what love really was. My definition of love was completely different from everyone I’ve ever encountered. My definition of love is “Love is a choice, not a feeling.” I’ve never came across anyone that valued the love that I gave. So my perspective on love was that it wasn’t for me and it was nothing but heartache, because I expressed love differently than others.

While dating a guy a long time ago, we was having a discussion on love and commitment and I told him my definition and he got upset. He couldn’t grasp my perspective on love. He was offended that I was saying that I could fall out of love with him. In my defense, I reinteriated my point that my love for someone would be a choice and not based on how I felt towards them, because feelings can change in a blink of an eye. Then to make matters worse, he tried to convince me that it was his job to make me happy and keep me in loving feelings towards him. Unfortunately, he was talking to the new, improved and awakened me and not the old, insecure, didn’t know my worth me. The old me would have soaked those words up and entrapped me, but the new me wasn’t having it. I responded with “I’m responsible for my own happiness and you the same. You should enhance me and I the same to you.” Welp, he wasn’t having that and I completely understood why. Most people base their value on someone else’s value and need of them. Tit for tat relationships, I give you this and you better give me what I gave you back at equal or greater value. I was a culprit of this myself in many of relationships, but the difference in my circumstances was that I was given way too much of myself to try to keep people happy with me. I put my self-worth on how I made others happy in hopes they would reciprocate the same effort towards me and that never happened till now.

After taking time to heal after a terrible marriage, a stressful divorce and converting back into single mommy hood, I focused a lot of free time on my spiritual journey. While on this part of my journey, the universe threw some tests at me to see if I’ve learned my lessons. One was the guy I mentioned earlier, another was an old flame and the last was a really nice guy that I gave a chance because my intuition said do it. The guy I mentioned above tested my ability to stand in my true feelings even when it conflicted with the person I’m dating. The old flame came back to remind me that I was above the bullshit and that it is ok to be better or above someone. To know my worth! The really nice guy was my test to go outside the box of the typical guys I dated to show me there’s more to life when you remove unnecessary boundaries. Also, to test me in my truth of being a magical, gifted being that was no longer trapped in religion. The really nice guy was a church guy that lived a contradicting lifestyle but had a problem with me embracing my spiritual path. It was hard but I chose my true nature over him and it was the final test I needed to past for the universe to show me I was ready to accept my god hood.

In January 2019 I did a love spell and it was nothing like any love spell I came across in groups or doing searches on the internet. My love spell was intuitive and about me accepting my divinity and letting the universe know I was ready to receive the love it had for me. I placed my life in the hands of the universe and wrote my spell to fall within universal laws, even if the love I attracted was me loving myself solo. This spell was so powerful that the notebook I wrote it in disappeared. I tried to keep the spell so I could reference it later but the universe was like “Naw, you gave this to us so it has to leave you to fully be in our hands.” From that day forward I continued to live, explore my spiritual journey and didn’t even think about the work I did with that spell.

Before I even did the spell work, I had arranged a cabin trip within a Facebook group for the end of February 2019. So, the Friday of the cabin trip arrived and I didn’t even pay attention to the date 2/22/19 (222). When I arrived a girl named Amber and a guy I’ve never met before greeted me at the door. The first thing I noticed when I opened the door was this guy with this huge smile stirring at me all googly. I could tell he was “intrigued” by me but I brushed it off because I know I have that effect on guys. So how he was acting wasn’t odd or worth paying attention to. Once inside he offers to take my bag, like he switched from intrigued mode to servitude mode. So I let him take my bag and I followed both of them upstairs. While walking to meet everybody that was already there, I’m videotaping the cabin because it was awesome. So I’m not paying this guy any attention while we’re walking. We get upstairs and he starts to walk up these loft steps to a room he said was mine and I stopped him. I let him know I didn’t want that room because it was too open and noisy and I wanted a room away from everybody. So he takes me around this bin to a whole other part of the house to a room away from everybody. I tell him cool I’ll take this one and he looks at me and this was the first time I made eye contact with him and he replies “but this is my room.” We locked eyes and it was like we spoke telepathically because I was thinking “that’s nice but I want this room” and he responded verbally “ok you can have it.”

After that interaction, I found myself drawn to him. Yes he was cute, had a nice body, gorgeous smile, you know all the physical things opposite sex are attracted to but it wasn’t that I was drawn to. I found myself wanting to be in his presence and had to stop myself from stirring at him. Every now and then I would catch him stirring at me then quickly turning his head or eyes away like he wasn’t too. At dinner I put my glass next to where he was going to sit but a girl moved it and sat next to him not realizing my glass of water was my spot saver. Later that night we were all in the jacuzzi and we were the last ones to get out. He tried to have a conversation with me but it was forced and awkward. I started to take that weird interaction as maybe what I was feeling wasn’t what I thought it was towards him.

Then things took a turn for the better later that night. We created a bond over spying on the weird owner of the cabin we was staying at. To the point I screamed for him to join me at a window and all he had on was his boxers. Till this day I’m shocked that we spent hours together spying on this guy and not once did I notice he was in his boxers. We were so wrapped up in each other’s company, laughing and joking around I never noticed and he never thought to go put some shorts on. Later on finding out what he was working with, I definitely should of have noticed! The most memorable part of the spying was when I was sitting on a chair and he came and sat down on a foot stole to be close to me while we chatted. There was a couch and another chair he could of chose to sat on but he sat on the foot stool. The way he was looking at me when he was listening to me was so adorable. Like I was the most beautiful, intriguing woman he had ever seen. He still looks at me like that and expresses his amazement of me everyday. Once we had enough of spying on the owner, we went to sleep in our separate rooms. That night I ended up having a dream that revealed that he was the one for me, my soul mate. The rest of that weekend we were inseparable, where ever I was he was. When we didn’t know where one of us was we would ask someone where the other is.

We became an immediate couple and been making couple moves ever since. At times I would say I wish I met him in my younger years, but I know all the things I’ve gone through prepared me for having him in my life. The connection and bond we have is what movies are made of. But not the typical love movie, I’m talking about a supernatural, superhuman sci-fi love movie. Our connection is so strong and we’re so intuned that we finish each others thoughts and sentences. We can send thoughts to each other and we will respond via text or phone. We know when one is off and exactly what to do to make the other feel better. During sex this man knows secrets held within my body that he maneuvers like he was the one that placed them there. He completely understands my definition of love and our roles as a man and woman in a partnership. He fully fulfills his role as a protector and I as my role as a nurturer. In regards to our god hood, he is my generator and I am is manifestation vessel. He allows me to be the magical being that am, practice my spirituality as I see fit and inquires to learn more about my practices. The perfect guy for me!

My love spell was open-ended and written to work within universal laws; which released full control to the universe to work on my behalf. I loved myself first and that was the key to attracting someone who loved me too. He is the best person and partner for me based on my authentic, true self. And You can also attract the person that is for you by being who you truly are too.

Birthing Pains

We are going through a birthing. A new Earth is emerging from an old, broken, run down and no longer able to function properly Earth. This is the transitioning of 5D from 3D that so many speak about. The misconception is that it’s an actual new planet earth or a physical new heaven, because it’s not. It’s a higher level of vibrations, a higher view to see the whole picture, which means a higher perspective is dawning. One where the Universal Law of One is honored. One where the respect of duality is honored. One where the roles of humans, animals, plants, dimensional beings, and all things metaphysical are honored and respected. The pain, discontent, and emotional rollercoaster we are all on right now is necessary and a part of the birthing process just like when a woman gives birth. The pain, discontent and emotional rollercoaster she feels isn’t caused by the baby….. it’s caused by the birthing process and that part of the process can’t be skipped.

Old 3D earth has to go through birthing aka the 4D portal to rise up to the new 5D earth

What we should be doing right now is grounding ourselves and helping Mother Earth ground in this new level of energy. Captured in many books written within oppressive societies, humans are made to feel less than and puny among the “gods”. But in reality the “gods” envied humans because we were originally created to be able to navigate the spiritual and the physical realms simultaneously. We are the bridge, the portal between the dimensional realms, the physical and spiritual planes of existence. Through us, I’m specifically talking to melanated people, we can anchor in these new energies. The People of the Sun aka The Sun Kissed Skin aka melanated people are the protectors of this Earth and have the genetics to anchor in the new energy.

*Please take note that all of us have different levels of melanin in our bodies ranging from 100% to 0% and the color of your skin reflects that. So, if you have any melanin in your body you can assist in the anchoring of these high vibrational energies.
Dictionary.com – What is Melanated skin? A dark brown coloring found in the body, especially in the skin and hair. Produced by special skin cells that are sensitive to sunlight, melanin protects the body by absorbing ultraviolet radiation from the sun.

The new energy I speak of is on the higher scale of the electromagnetic spectrum and this scale has radio waves/red as low frequency energy and ultraviolent waves/purple as high frequency waves. The EMF scale also reflects how our chakras are arranged regarding a low frequency/red/root chakra to a high frequency/purple/crown chakra. These higher levels of radiation that are deemed as unhealthy and problematic by non-melanated people is only that way towards them. Our genetic nature, our melanin is activated and energized by the sun and cosmic radiation (higher vibrational energy). We are the righteous, those who can survive under the frequencies on the right side of the EMF Spectrum.

One of the reasons this shift is occurring is because, malevolent beings enslaved this earth and has been able to entrap us and stagnant our spiritual growth by creating an electric, negative ion barrier around earth (electric is the masculine aspect of energy, magnetic is the feminine aspect of energy). This barrier would reflect higher vibrational energy away and allow low vibrational energy through, which caused an imbalance in the energies on earth. This helped keep earth, as a whole, in a very low vibrational state and all things patriarchal/masculine/electric driven started to run rampant on earth because the divine feminine/magnetic was repressed. By doing this, these malevolent beings unhinged the Law of Duality on earth. Wars, famine, dis-ease, a narcissistic society and so on are all created within low vibrational states of being and these malevolent beings feed off the negative, low vibrational energy produced.

Electric barrier around Earth

The current state we are in right now has been talked about for ages in every culture that’s graced this planet because they knew balance would eventually restore itself. They knew the universe would correct the mess these malevolent beings caused. The electric barrier that surrounded earth has been dissolved and the shifting of these dimensional planes is allowing higher vibrational energy to penetrate through to Earth and with the return of the Divine Feminine, Earth’s spiritual imbalance is being restored back into balance. To restore the balance the old earth, the old ways, the current leaders and everything associated with those malevolent beings must be broken down and destroyed to be able to build a new earth with a solid foundation based on balanced universal laws. The establishment associated with those malevolent beings is fighting very hard to try to maintain their control, but out of this chaos will come order.

Based on everything I’ve listed above, remove your human emotions out of the way and think about all the injustice that has been done to melanated people all over this earth, the injustice done to women all over this earth, and the backwardness of society. Where teachers are paid scrapes but a guy that can shoot a basketball gets paid millions, a nurse (who have been predominantly women) is looked at as less than a doctor (who have been predominantly men) when they do all the dirty work, how people can’t afford food or a decent place to live, but politicians can raise millions to run for an office, or how the government can come up with trillions of dollars to fund bail outs to major companies, but there are people in this country trying to live off of minimum wage. Now, open your eye and your spirit and see how over the past decade or so melanated people have risen in positions and in power and women as a whole have risen in positions and in power. Melanated women have embraced their natural power, their natural hair, left religion behind and embraced their ancestral practices. Those steps were the Divine Feminine returning to Earth which helped awaken Mother Earth. This current state and this shift we are in right now has been in the works for a long time. Using our powers to perform grounding rituals, grounding spells, spending time in the sun barefoot and earthing and carrying grounding tools, stones, etc. are the practices we need to be doing right now to assist.

Sister Energies – “Sa Sekhem Sahu”

Ephesians 6:12, KJV: “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.”

Me, Myself and I


Forced dissociation is a sign of being highly intelligent and being able to critique the process and call upon it when needed is remarkable, says my therapist to me yesterday. At first I was ecstatic that me being able to force myself to dissociate when I was with my ex or during very traumatic times with other exes or in my childhood was a great skill. Removing myself out feeling any type of pain and heartache sounds like a great skill to have; especially living in the word we live in when pain and discomfort can happen without for warning. 

The dissociation into Me, Myself and I would happen by me literally removing myself from a situation or conversation whenever my ex would start bereating me, calling me names, basically trying to provoke me to react negatively towards him. When I would force dissociation to maintain control over my reactions and feelings during those times, Me (my core self) would fade to the background similar to how the guy in the Get Out movie would when he would fall into the sunken place. Then Myself would be a voice from the left side of my brain and I would be a voice from the right side of my brain and the actual situation/combative ex would be a blur. So Me, Myself and I would literally look like a person watching a conversation between 2 people in front of them with the background blurred out because you’re focused on the people talking. Myself (left brain voice) is the analyzer of the words and feelings that would arise in Me (core self) and I (right brain voice) would repeat a word or feeling right when Me would want to react to it. For example, Me would hear bitch coming from the combative ex so I would repeat the word bitch and Myself would start saying to I “how does the word bitch make you feel, why does it bother you, it shouldn’t bother you because you’re not being a bitch at this moment”, etc. and I would reply back with responses to Myself’s questions. While this dialogue is occurring in front of Me, Me had a chance to see the logic in the that moment and why Me shouldn’t react to what the combative ex is saying. Then the feeling of anger I would associate with hearing that word would turn into a fog and rise above Myself and I and dissipate into the air. When that would occur Me would no longer feel anything when the combative ex would call Me a bitch in that moment. Over time because my ex was constantly trying to provoke me and get me to react to him and nasty ways, I eventually became numb to his antics.

Another example of Me, Myself and I rescuing me from pain is when I was in college I was dating this really cute guy. Everyday I was taken back by this guy being into me and wanting to be with me. We started dating towards the end of my freshman year, continued talking over the summer and into the beginning of my sophomore year. Long story short, we would spend a lot of time together and I had no suspicions that he was involved with other people. Well one day while my friends and I were at a fraternity probate, he comes walking up to us with some girl and introduces her to all of us one by one then ends the introduction by saying and this is my girlfriend such and such. Everyone at that moment turned and looked at me and I instantly became overwhelmed with fear and embarrassment. Later that night I literally tried to drink away the pain from that embarrassing moment but it wasn’t working so I left my friends early and went home and cried in a ball in the middle of my living room floor until I passed out. Then woke up and went right back to crying and cramping from being overwhelmed with the emotional pain. A friend showed up to check on me and busted into my house because I wasn’t answering my phone. She instantly layed down with me and started rubbing me trying to make me feel better but even that wasn’t working. Then at that moment I remember separating and Myself started analyzing the pain and feelings that were running rapid through me and within minutes I went numb. I remember thinking “wow the pain is gone and this crap doesn’t even matter anymore” and I got myself up off the floor and went on my day like nothing ever happened. 

With that being said, my therapist gave me a praise then swept the rug from underneath me with her next comment. Yes, she said, being able to do something so amazing with my mind is fascinating and hyper-intelligent but now I have to never use dissociation again and start working towards integrating the memories and the feelings that I’ve detached from and stored away somewhere back into play so they can be played out properly and released in a healthy way. A course my reply was is that I don’t have any feelings in regards to my ex and when I detached from the horrible feelings and anger he would try to provoke in me, they left and dissipated. But according to my therapist that isn’t true and those feelings moved inward. But I completely remember seeing the fog of those feelings literally leaving me. I mean I literally saw the feelings as a fog, rise up and leave me…. no joke! So I’m totally confused on how the feelings are some where still trapped inside of me. 

So even though I understand where my therapist is coming from in regards to finding those “tucked away” feelings so I can become whole again, I had to let my therapist know that I already feel whole and happy and see no negativity in what has happened to me by my ex these last 4 yrs. Being bitter, spiteful and depressed would make me really take up her advice but I’m none of those things so I will maintain my position on letting things be as they may because Me, Myself and I were the ones that helped me get through the bad times and will always have my back! Having them as my sacred weapon is something I cherish too much to just say good bye to because they are apart of me and only rise when needed.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

golden mirror

I had a very intriguing session yesterday with my therapist. While discussing my digestion of the recent discovery of my ex-husband being a narcissistic sociopath, we decided to dive deeper into my relationships with “me focused” people.

This deep dive project made me tell my therapist about some memories that arose when a lot of different events, including the past 4 years of my life with my ex-husband started to put a lot of scattered puzzle pieces of my life together. For example, one key puzzle piece was that my dad was abusive and based on the things my mom has told me about things he did to her while married he is definitely a narcissist and my granddad was more than likely a narcissistic sociopath based on the family stories I’ve heard about him; which are 10 times worse than what my dad was doing to my mom. So there’s definitely a generational curse going on on my dad side with this mental disease. One of the memories that arose was one of my granddad when I was in high school around the time when he was falling ill with lung cancer. My dad was in town and left me and my sister at my granddad’s for some quality time. I was at his apartment trying to heat up some food in his microwave, but he had an older microwave and I didn’t know how to work it. I had to ask him more than once how to use it because he was being short with his answers like he was annoyed with me. Maybe, this was my third time asking him how to set the minutes and before I could finish getting my ask out he pushed me hard out of the way, started yelling at me and calling me names. My therapist asked me do I remember what I did and I replied that during that time in my life whenever anyone would yell at me it would remind me of hearing my parents arguing and I would freeze and I would block everything out. So in that moment I froze, blocked him out and walked away.

Then I continued to tell my therapist that prior to my family moving to another state I went to stay with my granddad for a little bit when I was 4 while my mom was getting everything in place with her new job and the house. I don’t remember staying with him, but this is what I was told and based on one story my mom would tell. When she went to go get me from him after this extended stay, she passed this dirty little girl riding on a big wheel bike and she thinks “ahh she’s a really cute girl somebody should wash her up, do her hair and be out here watching her.” When she gets to my granddad’s apartment she asks for me and he replies, she’s outside riding her bike you probably passed her. My mom then immediately turns from him, goes and picks up that cute, dirty little girl she passed not knowing it was me and leaves without grabbing any of my things. I then relay to my therapist that I am concerned, now knowing what my granddad may have been, what I may have been exposed to while living with him during that period of time. My therapist tells me if the body has no response to the thought of him then maybe, just maybe I don’t have anything to worry about but as these memories arise in due time will tell.

So I’m assuming to pull my focus from feeling helpless in this situation, my therapist asked me to think of a friend that I had or have that wasn’t “me focused” and to be honest I had to really search through my memories to find a person that wasn’t. Majority of all the people in my life that I befriended or more so befriended me were
“me focused”. A lot of friends that had befriended me was for their sole purpose only. For example, I’m very smart and in high school and college a lot of people would befriend me to help them with their assignments or get notes for class or to try to cheat off of. Once they realized that I wasn’t going to allow them to cheat off of me or I was going to make them put in work when we had group assignments those people would eventually fall to the waste side. But a course the narcissists, the tricksters, the manipulators knew just how to pull on the heart strings or spin their web to make me believe they were really my friend while they used me.

After thinking for a minute or two, I finally thought of a person that wasn’t anything like any of these “me focused” friends. My therapist then asked me to list what was different about this person and the main things that came to mind was this person was mellow, focused on their children and wasn’t visually self-conscious about their image. Then my therapist stated “so you said this person was mellow like their vibrations were low, mellow toned”, then asked me how did this make me feel? I replied it made me feel uncomfortable and like in typical therapist fashion she asked “why” and I replied, because I’m not used to mellow, I’m use to people who are high wired, high vibration and at the same time we both say “chaotic”. Then another puzzle piece fell into place, maybe I’m gravitating towards people who are “me focused”, high vibratory because that’s familiar. I grew up in a household that was “me focused” and chaotic. My entire life has been nothing but chaos, whenever there is a moment of peace or mellowness I feel uncomfortable and become anxious. That’s why I’ve always been a busy body, constantly active which leads to being burnt out and stressed out on the regular.  But also kept me from having to think or wallow in the pain that was my life.

I do want to know what’s “wrong”with me and what I need to do to fix the deep dark parts of me to make myself whole, especially after going through a traumatic marriage and separation. At first when I learned that I’m partly to blame for some of these hardwired poor decisions it saddened me and made me think that I’m way more screwed up than I originally thought. No wonder I attract crap in my life. But after a day of processing, I became inspired and felt better knowing this information.

So Mirror, Mirror on the Wall …. no I’m not to blame for what is attracted to me and no I’m not to blame for what I’m attracted to, but I am responsible for my attractions after I’m made aware to these factors that have made me hardwired to this dysfunction. Time to choose wisely. Time to change the woman in the mirror!

Finally Seeing Through the Veils

The Goddess Circle is one of the sources I refer to for guidance and understanding ever since I had my spiritual awakening. I don’t remember how I came across this page on Facebook but I was searching for a place to feel comfortable finding answers to life questions and exploring my gifts.

After reading the below post, it was the cherry to the sundae of the past couple of weeks I’ve been having; specifically last week. “We have been seeing in our lives the sticky bits rising, the sore spots, the wounds, the things from the basement that want and need to be seen. We have been coming face to face with what we want to peel away once and for all.” This statement from the post right here, OH MY GOD! I’m a visual person and when I read that I saw tar rising through the “cracks” of me. Those painful hidden things began rising in me, picking and prodding and eventually put me in the hospital trying to come to the surface. But finally it was revealed to me this week what has been plaguing me or should I say parasitize me my whole entire life. I’m a great energy source for narcissistic people. I have had 5 narcissistic relationships that I can think of, 1 intimate one with a narcissistic sociopath who was my ex-husband that has left some painful scars. To be honest I don’t even know how bad the childhood and friendship narcissistic relationships have damaged me because my mental blocks and defenses won’t let me or even a trained trauma therapist for PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) access those memories.

The flow of information and knowledge to me since I started on this journey has revealed a lot, some positive and now some negative. Early in my journey I learned that I’m a highly sensitive person, a very strong Empath. But unfortunately, that’s why I’m such a great source of energy for narcissists. Now, that I finally know the positive and negative attributes to myself, I can start truly healing and learning about myself in those relationships and how it wasn’t my fault and hopefully lose the guilt weight. I’m grateful for both the positive and negative, the light and the dark parts of me. I accept them both because they both have made me who I am and more importantly, who I will become.

 

Take an Emotional Load Off With a Social Media Diet

socail media

I never understood why some people would make such a big deal out of taking time off from social media or have to declare on Facebook that they needed a break from it then disappear from it for a while. I had one friend who canceled her Facebook and one day I eventually got her to return my text and I asked her why she did it. She told me she couldn’t take being on Facebook anymore, because seeing everybody’s business made her feel like her life was being judged. I didn’t understand her decision at first and I thought her decision was selfish, because that’s how I stayed in touch with her since we were both very busy with our family and kids and we didn’t get to see each other much.

Well, I am now in that place that I guess she was in, but for a totally different reason. I had to go on a “social media diet” for a very silly reason last week. I received a text that I hit 75% of my data usage and I didn’t want to go over. Well, there’s more to it than just that so let me start from the actual  beginning. I recently started watching my spending habits and I have to say I never paid attention to how much time I spent on my phone when I was bored; specifically at work, which contributed to majority of my data overage charges. This habit made me increase my plan a few months back, which increased my bill significantly. After re-evaluating my bills, I realized I couldn’t afford that plan any longer and reduced my plan back to where it was originally and now I needed to watch my data usage. Now that I hit my 75% usage mark this month, I’ve shut off my cellular data for all but 2 apps and have gone on this social media diet. Man, have I noticed a change in my weight! A course, I don’t mean my body weight but my emotional weight. I don’t feel like I have the same emotional stress I had when I was constantly on Facebook or Instagram looking at everyone else’s life via their posts and subconsciously comparing them to my life. Subconsciously taking in all this insignificant info from people I normally don’t see and to be honest don’t care to see in my everyday life and it was impacting my day-to-day measurement of my of myself in my own life. Spending less time on social media gave me more time to enjoy in the moment memories without rushing to my phone to capture a video or picture to post and share. It felt weird at first not rushing to take a picture but being able to really enjoy the moment activities happening felt so ancient and I’m glad I’m bringing it back. Seeing those happy couple posts were specifically detrimental to my emotional weight gain because I’m so jaded to relationships and not open to having that type of human closeness right now. In addition, seeing everyone’s happy friendships posts about my best friend this and my best friend that also affects me because once again I don’t have that in my life. A course there are multiple reasons why I don’t (I will explore that deeper in another post at another time) and it makes me question my life on why I don’t. In a non-social media world, I wouldn’t have to constantly have these questions, because I wouldn’t be bombarded with the constant comparison to someone else’s life in those categories.

This brings up another matter that I hear a lot about but never truly understood what it meant. Faking it on Facebook, Doing it for the Gram. Well, I would always see posts by a lot drama orientated people calling out other people on Facebook for being. Basically making it seem like they’re living this great life on Facebook but in reality they are not. Well, I got a crash course in this one day while talking to someone close to me one. I have a Facebook friend and they are always posting pictures, doing live streams, and posting great and wonderful things about their relationship. To be honest, it would make anyone envious to see all the posts of gifts, trips and parties they would attend together. The “love” that was presented seemed legit and magical. Well, my bubble was busted one day while talking to a close friend and they spilled all the beans about this couple. They fight constantly, they don’t get along and the one person is very controlling of the other. Man, you can definitely say that the grass isn’t greener on their side of the fence. All this time I’m seeing their posts on Facebook wishing I could find what they have one day and now I’m running around my house hoping I can catch and take all those wishes back because this is a perfect example of being careful of what you wish for!

So I say all of this to make a point, so let’s get to it. The Internet hasn’t always been here, Facebook and Instagram definitely has not and I do have to say the world was a simpler place when everybody didn’t know everybody’s business. At least during that time we had the celebrities and movie stars to look up to and admire but now everybody is a celebrity and everybody’s crap is getting stuffed down our throats via the internet. So just like when our bodies get a little overweight and boggled down from overeating too much junk food and over drinking too much soda, so can our minds with over indulging in too much social media. Just like we have to detox, begin to eat right and exercise to start losing that excess weight to start feeling better and get our bodies back on track to being healthy. We also need to do the same for our minds. Detoxify your mind from the poor images, the violent videos, the over sexual posts, the fake news, posts by fake friends you would never talk to if you ever saw them on the street, and dumb down stories that are trending for no good reason.