Complacency: Reflections of Self

After achieving what I thought I should as an adult, all those “accomplishments” lead to┬ádeep heart ache, pain, unhappiness and finding myself feeling empty, unsatisfied and alone.

After several months of being stuck in a void and I’m using the word void because I wasn’t sad or depressed, but I was in a state of emotionless. While in this void, my mind was on constant repeat, thinking the same thoughts over and over again. What am I doing wrong? How am I 34 and I don’t have anything together? Why do I feel so lost? While away on a trip I discovered several different topics and articles on Facebook that kept catching my interest. Figured if something keeps popping up I need to start paying attention to it. This began my journey into the unknown….. so I thought.

This journey of self-love, inner-peace, becoming spiritually in tune to my real self. The real Me and not who I think I should be, or who I thought I should be as a child or even when I thought I was in college, and definitely not who society says I should be. More importantly, not who my mom or my family think I should be or should have been.

My mind works differently from most, I noticed this at an early age. Always questioning life, rules, nature, adults and authority. Never took answers at face value and always wanted to learn beyond the surface. My mind sees disorder, chaos, things out of place and automatically starts analyzing and correcting them. I always thought it was my OCD until it enhanced my career by finding the flaws in a facility and their programs and on a personal level giving great advice. Unfortunately, it also gives off the persona of a “know it all” or always having something to say. Had to learn with maturity when to speak my truth and when to let people figure it out on their own. More importantly, not beat myself up when they fail or don’t figure it out. I’m a fixer by nature but everything and everyone doesn’t want to be fixed. Sometimes its best for things and people to stay broken. Can’t save the world by draining myself in the process. Learned to pick my battles so I can have successful wars.

Catharsis I: Laughter

Catharsis is the purification of emotions through art or any extreme change in emotion that results in renewal and restoration. Performing this type of emotional purification is essential for every empath. It helps with getting rid of any pent-up negative emotions in oneself. Beneficial forms of daily catharsis ideal for empaths include exercise of any kind, screaming into a pillow, crying, laughing, or self-expression through art of any form.

I’ve decided to try this emotional purification via laughter. Before learning about catharsis, I do know laughing through life is the best way to get through it. Even after some painful moments, I can look back and laugh at most of them. My kids are hilarious and they say and do the craziest and silliest things. So I would like to share my silly mom stories on a regular.

kids-winking

This Sunday morning, my daughter and I go out for breakfast at one our favorite spots. In her typical terrible 2 fashion she cuts up as soon as we get there. A course our waitress and all the patrons think she’s adorable while I’m secretly thinking in my head behind my huge grin and my nod of thank you is “this girl is a holy terror and you have no idea!” I’m sitting at our booth trying to enjoy my omelet while she feels the need to climb under the table to play with food on the floor, stand on the seat and stare through the opening and point at the people siting in the next booth, take off her shoes and throw them in the middle of the aisle so she can have an excuse to get up, dance and put on her one girl show. Let’s just say I’m about to lose my mind with the constant “mommy, mommy, mommy” while I’m trying to eat, so eventually she wears me down to giving in and I stop trying to get her to eat her food and I give her my phone so she can watch her favorite videos on YouTube.

After I hand her my phone, she calmly settles into the her seat, props her feet up and scrolls through the videos till she finds the one she wants to watch. I feel defeated but at least I can start eating again but now in peace. I look over at her and she looks up at me and puckers up her lips for me to kiss her so I lean in and giver her a kiss. My heart melts and my frustrations towards her fade and I continue to stare at her while she goes back to watching her videos. I guess she felt me still staring at her because then she looks up at me and does something that completely catches me off guard. This girl winks at me! I freeze, then we both bust out laughing.

Introduction to the Complacent Journey

journey2

The word complacency means pleased with oneself and I truly feel that this fits where I am in my life. That’s why I choose it to define my blog personality. I’m not perfect and neither is my life but I’m starting to be okay with the idea of stumbling around and learning as I go. Picking up the pieces of my missteps and mishaps along the way and waking up with one main goal in mind each day; which is to live in a state of mindfulness.

With that said, I’m on a journey of self-love after experiencing a spiritual awakening after a very traumatic event in my life a few months ago. How did I know it was a “spiritual awakening”? Well, for once in my life something terrible happened to me and I wasn’t mad or sad about it. I really couldn’t place a title to my feelings to the range of events that I was going through at that time other than I felt numb. Nothing felt right and normally I drive into the bible and into praying but I didn’t and I didn’t want to. It wasn’t out of anger towards God like I would do sometimes because like I said I wasn’t mad. I just had no desire to take that normal route, didn’t see the point in it. I knew that it wouldn’t fix how I was feeling. Plus, I’ve had bad experiences and bad events in my life before and I always turned to religion. It feels odd to say this but in that numbness it was like my mind was opened to a portal of endless life questions and one key question that was on constant repeat was “why keep doing the same ol’ things expecting different results” and my religion fell into that re-evaluation. Once that door was finally ripped off the hinges and I no longer had any inhibitions to not look beyond religion for the answers to “life”, that’s when the spiritual awakening occurred and my true healing began.

As I try to navigate through this new outlook and state of mind on life that I have, I will document my journey and be as honest and as truthful as possible about my experiences. By documenting them in this manner I’m hoping it will also help in my healing process from all my past pains and be helpful for other inquiring minds that want to do the same as I and step off of the societal merry-go-round.

“Strange is normal and whoever tells you otherwise should check their sanity.” The Complacent Mind