Forced dissociation is a sign of being highly intelligent and being able to critique the process and call upon it when needed is remarkable, says my therapist to me yesterday. At first I was ecstatic that me being able to force myself to dissociate when I was with my ex or during very traumatic times with other exes or in my childhood was a great skill. Removing myself out feeling any type of pain and heartache sounds like a great skill to have; especially living in the word we live in when pain and discomfort can happen without for warning.
The dissociation into Me, Myself and I would happen by me literally removing myself from a situation or conversation whenever my ex would start bereating me, calling me names, basically trying to provoke me to react negatively towards him. When I would force dissociation to maintain control over my reactions and feelings during those times, Me (my core self) would fade to the background similar to how the guy in the Get Out movie would when he would fall into the sunken place. Then Myself would be a voice from the left side of my brain and I would be a voice from the right side of my brain and the actual situation/combative ex would be a blur. So Me, Myself and I would literally look like a person watching a conversation between 2 people in front of them with the background blurred out because you’re focused on the people talking. Myself (left brain voice) is the analyzer of the words and feelings that would arise in Me (core self) and I (right brain voice) would repeat a word or feeling right when Me would want to react to it. For example, Me would hear bitch coming from the combative ex so I would repeat the word bitch and Myself would start saying to I “how does the word bitch make you feel, why does it bother you, it shouldn’t bother you because you’re not being a bitch at this moment”, etc. and I would reply back with responses to Myself’s questions. While this dialogue is occurring in front of Me, Me had a chance to see the logic in the that moment and why Me shouldn’t react to what the combative ex is saying. Then the feeling of anger I would associate with hearing that word would turn into a fog and rise above Myself and I and dissipate into the air. When that would occur Me would no longer feel anything when the combative ex would call Me a bitch in that moment. Over time because my ex was constantly trying to provoke me and get me to react to him and nasty ways, I eventually became numb to his antics.
Another example of Me, Myself and I rescuing me from pain is when I was in college I was dating this really cute guy. Everyday I was taken back by this guy being into me and wanting to be with me. We started dating towards the end of my freshman year, continued talking over the summer and into the beginning of my sophomore year. Long story short, we would spend a lot of time together and I had no suspicions that he was involved with other people. Well one day while my friends and I were at a fraternity probate, he comes walking up to us with some girl and introduces her to all of us one by one then ends the introduction by saying and this is my girlfriend such and such. Everyone at that moment turned and looked at me and I instantly became overwhelmed with fear and embarrassment. Later that night I literally tried to drink away the pain from that embarrassing moment but it wasn’t working so I left my friends early and went home and cried in a ball in the middle of my living room floor until I passed out. Then woke up and went right back to crying and cramping from being overwhelmed with the emotional pain. A friend showed up to check on me and busted into my house because I wasn’t answering my phone. She instantly layed down with me and started rubbing me trying to make me feel better but even that wasn’t working. Then at that moment I remember separating and Myself started analyzing the pain and feelings that were running rapid through me and within minutes I went numb. I remember thinking “wow the pain is gone and this crap doesn’t even matter anymore” and I got myself up off the floor and went on my day like nothing ever happened.
With that being said, my therapist gave me a praise then swept the rug from underneath me with her next comment. Yes, she said, being able to do something so amazing with my mind is fascinating and hyper-intelligent but now I have to never use dissociation again and start working towards integrating the memories and the feelings that I’ve detached from and stored away somewhere back into play so they can be played out properly and released in a healthy way. A course my reply was is that I don’t have any feelings in regards to my ex and when I detached from the horrible feelings and anger he would try to provoke in me, they left and dissipated. But according to my therapist that isn’t true and those feelings moved inward. But I completely remember seeing the fog of those feelings literally leaving me. I mean I literally saw the feelings as a fog, rise up and leave me…. no joke! So I’m totally confused on how the feelings are some where still trapped inside of me.
So even though I understand where my therapist is coming from in regards to finding those “tucked away” feelings so I can become whole again, I had to let my therapist know that I already feel whole and happy and see no negativity in what has happened to me by my ex these last 4 yrs. Being bitter, spiteful and depressed would make me really take up her advice but I’m none of those things so I will maintain my position on letting things be as they may because Me, Myself and I were the ones that helped me get through the bad times and will always have my back! Having them as my sacred weapon is something I cherish too much to just say good bye to because they are apart of me and only rise when needed.