Catharsis I: Laughter

Catharsis is the purification of emotions through art or any extreme change in emotion that results in renewal and restoration. Performing this type of emotional purification is essential for every empath. It helps with getting rid of any pent-up negative emotions in oneself. Beneficial forms of daily catharsis ideal for empaths include exercise of any kind, screaming into a pillow, crying, laughing, or self-expression through art of any form.

I’ve decided to try this emotional purification via laughter. Before learning about catharsis, I do know laughing through life is the best way to get through it. Even after some painful moments, I can look back and laugh at most of them. My kids are hilarious and they say and do the craziest and silliest things. So I would like to share my silly mom stories on a regular.

kids-winking

This Sunday morning, my daughter and I go out for breakfast at one our favorite spots. In her typical terrible 2 fashion she cuts up as soon as we get there. A course our waitress and all the patrons think she’s adorable while I’m secretly thinking in my head behind my huge grin and my nod of thank you is “this girl is a holy terror and you have no idea!” I’m sitting at our booth trying to enjoy my omelet while she feels the need to climb under the table to play with food on the floor, stand on the seat and stare through the opening and point at the people siting in the next booth, take off her shoes and throw them in the middle of the aisle so she can have an excuse to get up, dance and put on her one girl show. Let’s just say I’m about to lose my mind with the constant “mommy, mommy, mommy” while I’m trying to eat, so eventually she wears me down to giving in and I stop trying to get her to eat her food and I give her my phone so she can watch her favorite videos on YouTube.

After I hand her my phone, she calmly settles into the her seat, props her feet up and scrolls through the videos till she finds the one she wants to watch. I feel defeated but at least I can start eating again but now in peace. I look over at her and she looks up at me and puckers up her lips for me to kiss her so I lean in and giver her a kiss. My heart melts and my frustrations towards her fade and I continue to stare at her while she goes back to watching her videos. I guess she felt me still staring at her because then she looks up at me and does something that completely catches me off guard. This girl winks at me! I freeze, then we both bust out laughing.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

golden mirror

I had a very intriguing session yesterday with my therapist. While discussing my digestion of the recent discovery of my ex-husband being a narcissistic sociopath, we decided to dive deeper into my relationships with “me focused” people.

This deep dive project surfaced from me telling my therapist about some memories that arose when a lot of different events, including the past 4 years of my life with my ex-husband started to put a lot of scattered puzzle pieces of my life together. For example, one key puzzle piece was that my dad was abusive and based on the things my mom has told me about things he did to her while married he is definitely a narcissist and my granddad was more than likely a narcissistic sociopath based on the family stories I’ve heard about him; which are 10 times worse than what my dad was doing to my mom. So there’s definitely a generational curse going on on my dad side with this mental disease. One of the memories that arose was one of my granddad when I was in high school around the time when he was falling ill with lung cancer. My dad was in town and left me and my sister at my granddad’s for some quality time. I was at his apartment trying to heat up some food in his microwave, but he had an older microwave and I didn’t know how to work it. I had to ask him more than once how to use it because he was being short with his answers like he was annoyed with me. Maybe, this was my third time asking him how to set the minutes and before I could finish getting my ask out he pushed me hard out of the way, started yelling at me and calling me names. My therapist asked me do I remember what I did and I replied that during that time in my life whenever anyone would yell at me it would remind me of hearing my parents arguing and I would freeze and I would block everything out. So in that moment I froze, blocked him out and walked away.

Then I continued to tell my therapist that prior to my family moving to another state I went to stay with my granddad for a little bit when I was 4 while my mom was getting everything in place with her new job and the house. I don’t remember staying with him, but this is what I was told and based on one story my mom would tell. When she went to go get me from him after this extended stay, she passed this dirty little girl riding on a big wheel bike and she thinks “ahh she’s a really cute girl somebody should wash her up, do her hair and be out here watching her.” When she gets to my granddad’s apartment she asks for me and he replies, she’s outside riding her bike you probably passed her. My mom then immediately turns from him, goes and picks up that cute, dirty little girl she passed not knowing it was me and leaves without grabbing any of my things. I then relay to my therapist that I am concerned, now knowing what my granddad may have been, what I may have been exposed to while living with him during that period of time. My therapist tells me if the body has no response to the thought of him then maybe, just maybe I don’t have anything to worry about but as these memories arise in due time will tell.

So I’m assuming to pull my focus from feeling helpless in this situation, my therapist asked me to think of a friend that I had or have that wasn’t “me focused” and to be honest I had to really search through my memories to find a person that wasn’t. Majority of all the people in my life that I befriended or more so befriended me were
“me focused”. A lot of friends that had befriended me was for their sole purpose only. For example, I’m very smart and in high school and college a lot of people would befriend me to help them with their assignments or get notes for class or to try to cheat off of. Once they realized that I wasn’t going to allow them to cheat off of me or I was going to make them put in work when we had group assignments those people would eventually fall to the waste side. But a course the narcissists, the tricksters, the manipulators knew just how to pull on the heart strings or spin their web to make me believe they were really my friend while they used me.

After thinking for a minute or two, I finally thought of a person that wasn’t anything like any of these “me focused” friends. My therapist then asked me to list what was different about this person and the main things that came to mind was this person was mellow, focused on their children and wasn’t visually self-conscious about their image. Then my therapist stated “so you said this person was mellow like their vibrations were low, mellow toned”, then asked me how did this make me feel? I replied it made me feel uncomfortable and like in typical therapist fashion she asked “why” and I replied, because I’m not used to mellow, I’m use to people who are high wired, high vibration and at the same time we both say “chaotic”. Then another puzzle piece fell into place, maybe I’m gravitating towards people who are “me focused”, high vibratory because that’s familiar. I grew up in a household that was “me focused” and chaotic. My entire life has been nothing but chaos, whenever there is a moment of peace or mellowness I feel uncomfortable and become anxious. That’s why I’ve always been a busy body, constantly active which leads to being burnt out and stressed out on the regular.  But also kept me from having to think or wallow in the pain that was my life.

I do want to know what’s “wrong”with me and what I need to do to fix the deep dark parts of me to make myself whole, especially after going through a traumatic marriage and separation. At first when I learned that I’m partly to blame for some of these hardwired poor decisions it saddened me and made me think that I’m way more screwed up than I originally thought. No wonder I attract crap in my life. But after a day of processing, I became inspired and felt better knowing this information.

So Mirror, Mirror on the Wall …. no I’m not to blame for what is attracted to me and no I’m not to blame for what I’m attracted to, but I am responsible for my attractions after I’m made aware to these factors that have made me hardwired to this dysfunction. Time to choose wisely. Time to change the woman in the mirror!

Finally Seeing Through the Veils

The Goddess Circle is one of the sources I refer to for guidance and understanding ever since I had my spiritual awakening. I don’t remember how I came across this page on Facebook but I was searching for a place to feel comfortable finding answers to life questions and exploring my gifts.

After reading the below post, it was the cherry to the sundae of the past couple of weeks I’ve been having; specifically last week. “We have been seeing in our lives the sticky bits rising, the sore spots, the wounds, the things from the basement that want and need to be seen. We have been coming face to face with what we want to peel away once and for all.” This statement from the post right here, OH MY GOD! I’m a visual person and when I read that I saw tar rising through the “cracks” of me. Those painful hidden things began rising in me, picking and prodding and eventually put me in the hospital trying to come to the surface. But finally it was revealed to me this week what has been plaguing me or should I say parasitize me my whole entire life. I’m a great energy source for narcissistic people. I have had 5 narcissistic relationships that I can think of, 1 intimate one with a narcissistic sociopath who was my ex-husband that has left some painful scars. To be honest I don’t even know how bad the childhood and friendship narcissistic relationships have damaged me because my mental blocks and defenses won’t let me or even a trained trauma therapist for PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) access those memories.

The flow of information and knowledge to me since I started on this journey has revealed a lot, some positive and now some negative. Early in my journey I learned that I’m a highly sensitive person, a very strong Empath. But unfortunately, that’s why I’m such a great source of energy for narcissists. Now, that I finally know the positive and negative attributes to myself, I can start truly healing and learning about myself in those relationships and how it wasn’t my fault and hopefully lose the guilt weight. I’m grateful for both the positive and negative, the light and the dark parts of me. I accept them both because they both have made me who I am and more importantly, who I will become.

 

Introduction to the Complacent Journey

journey2

The word complacency means pleased with oneself and I truly feel that this fits where I am in my life. That’s why I choose it to define my blog personality. I’m not perfect and neither is my life but I’m starting to be okay with the idea of stumbling around and learning as I go. Picking up the pieces of my missteps and mishaps along the way and waking up with one main goal in mind each day; which is to live in a state of mindfulness.

With that said, I’m on a journey of self-love after experiencing a spiritual awakening after a very traumatic event in my life a few months ago. How did I know it was a “spiritual awakening”? Well, for once in my life something terrible happened to me and I wasn’t mad or sad about it. I really couldn’t place a title to my feelings to the range of events that I was going through at that time other than I felt numb. Nothing felt right and normally I drive into the bible and into praying but I didn’t and I didn’t want to. It wasn’t out of anger towards God like I would do sometimes because like I said I wasn’t mad. I just had no desire to take that normal route, didn’t see the point in it. I knew that it wouldn’t fix how I was feeling. Plus, I’ve had bad experiences and bad events in my life before and I always turned to religion. It feels odd to say this but in that numbness it was like my mind was opened to a portal of endless life questions and one key question that was on constant repeat was “why keep doing the same ol’ things expecting different results” and my religion fell into that re-evaluation. Once that door was finally ripped off the hinges and I no longer had any inhibitions to not look beyond religion for the answers to “life”, that’s when the spiritual awakening occurred and my true healing began.

As I try to navigate through this new outlook and state of mind on life that I have, I will document my journey and be as honest and as truthful as possible about my experiences. By documenting them in this manner I’m hoping it will also help in my healing process from all my past pains and be helpful for other inquiring minds that want to do the same as I and step off of the societal merry-go-round.

“Strange is normal and whoever tells you otherwise should check their sanity.” The Complacent Mind