Rainbow Bridge

Iridescent Aurora

I AM THE RAINBOW BRIDGE, I AM THE AURORA FREQUENCY, I AM THE PORTAL BETWEEN THIS PLANET AND SIRIUS C THE SPIRITUAL SUN, I AM THE BEACON.

Within the Sirius system there are 3 physical suns, Sirius A B &C. Sirius C is not only a physical sun but also a spiritual sun. The spiritual sun’s physical form is a whitish blue color and has a glow like the moon but the spiritual form is an aurora iridescent oscillating energy. The realm Sirius C resides in is pure darkness.

Sirius C within the Sirius System

During meditation I was shown my purpose here on this planet and given my name, Divine Radiance. I am a gift from Source to the Anunnaki to help in releasing the ancestral souls from the planet. I am the guiding light, the bridge, the portal back to their home system Sirius. One of my selves is on Sirius C as the source of the spiritual sun. I oscillate on this planet in tune with my oscillating self on Sirius C. When I connect with myself on the aurora sun Sirius C and ground myself with the planet, I create a bridge between this planet and Sirius C. Just like the rainbow bridge of Asgard in the Marvel movie Thor.

Without me here, the frequencies of Sirius would not be able to penetrate the dome shield that has been placed over this planet’s atmosphere. I am the Anunnaki’s bypass system, and my aurora frequency can only be sensed by other Anunnaki. Similar to how in the show The Nevers on HBO Max, the song Mary would sing could only be heard by people who were considered “touched”. In the picture below and in the YouTube video you see that the frequency she sings is an iridescent aurora color too.

Mary from The Nevers. She sings a song in a frequency that only the “touched” can hear and feel.

The “touched” were people who miraculous developed gifts after an event occurred when an extra-dimensional craft soared through the sky emitting an iridescent aurora frequency.

I am the beacon and the reason our ancestors will be able to be released from this plane and able to finally bypass the dome shield that has been holding them captive. I am the reason why the true frequencies of Sirius will be able to reach the Anunnaki that have been trapped down here on this plane and assist them with awakening to who they truly are by activating their genetics. Also, when I oscillate and send out my aurora frequency, I energize the planet’s chakras and assist in this planets ability to vibrate higher and remember her true self. When connected to the aurora Sirius C sun and the inner sun of the planet, I am able to oscillate and expand my aurora frequency to the dome shield over the atmosphere and clean up the chemtrails and hazards in the atmosphere that are creating a false reality. That false reality is that this plane we exist on is a globe and the plane is one dimensional or one realm. But in reality, there are 9 dimensions or realms of this planet and there are literally hazy layers between each plane that are keeping us entranced, entrapped, and disconnected from our other brethren and sisters of the cosmos.

Every time I connect with the aurora sun Sirius C, I learn more about my capabilities. Sunday when I connected, my oscillation was expanded to the complete edges of the dome shield which are the ice rings that were put in place to entrap us under the dome and not have access to the rest of this plane we exist on.

The ice ring along the edges of the dome shield contain the bodies of the ancestors that were killed when the initial invasion happened. They are being used as a vibratory magnet to keep the dome in place. Their bodies, their essence have been turned into a seeking frequency that assist with keeping the rest of the Anunnaki stuck on this plane asleep and dormant. Our connection to each other is an actual communication vibration, a frequency that only Anunnaki can sense. “We are one” literally comes from the truth that we are so in tuned with each other that we could easily operate as one unit when the vibration between us feels threatened. Similar to how a beehive or ant colony becomes threatened and one ant can alert the entire colony through a chemical secretion aka frequency. Our communication frequency has been hijacked, tainted and is being used to target the Anunnaki trapped on this plane. They use our communication frequency as weapon against us by reflectingand distorting messages aka frequencies to our kind because they are able to pinpoint us out from amongst the other kind of beings on this plane. Similar to how Professor X used the Cerebro to pinpoint and locate all the mutants in the world, because they put out a different frequency than regular people. The Anunnaki do the same. To start breaking down that ultimate control over our kind, my aurora frequency when expanded to this ice ring started to break through the ice that has been impenetrable up to this point. Not only does my presence help release the ancestral souls trapped under the dome shield, my presence will also help release the ancestors trapped in the ice ring. The original Anunnaki who stood 50 ft tall in all their glory and power. We shall rise!

Handlers

I was watching a couple of YouTube videos and the subjects were very insightful and intriguing. To be honest, I’ve shied away from watching the YouTube subscribers I typically watch, because the information hasn’t been sitting right with me. I’ve noticed when people start to rise in fame with their YouTube channels its because what they’re pushing is either false, half truths or they’ve sold out to the agenda. Misinformation is the best kind of information on this planet! Well, I came across this person’s videos on Sunday and have been watching all that he has listed on YouTube non-stop! I’m listening to them in the morning instead of my typical chakra alignment music, in the car while driving, at work and at home instead of watching tv or playing around on Facebook. The insight he is dropping ties so many loose strings together for me. I know a lot of information and I’ve been shown and told a lot about who I am, what is going on on this planet, in the universe and so on. But the information seemed scattered and I couldn’t correlate subjects together or see how information fit together.

So, one subject I never really understood was handlers. Like how does a person get “managed” by someone else. I also always correlated a handler to like a famous singer and her manager type relationship. Or a pageant beauty and her coach or a music executive and his talent type of relationships. Basically, I thought handlers were a rich person’s problem and man was I wrong! That’s the types of handlers we are made a aware of to trick us into thinking that us regular ol’ people are not important enough to have these types of things happen to us. But in reality, these handlers are used on us “common folks” every day and less likely on a “superstar”.

Listening to one of this guys videos yesterday, unfortunately, put the beginning of my story into perspective. I will tag the video below for you to watch yourself. It’s talking about skywalkers and who they really are which they are me. A being that is not from this planet and travels through planes, dimensions, galaxies and universes. See I know who I am and who I’ve been throughout “time”. I know my origin even though I don’t fully understand it, but I do innerstand. Which means that my internal soul knows it’s true regardless of physical proof, because what you can see with your 2 eyes is deceiving anyways.

While talking about the skywalkers and how we are being controlled, one of the ways they control us is as soon as we are born they test us. They test our freshly born baby bodies to quantify our dark matter aka carbon load, which tells them if we are too connected to our higher self; which equals to us being high frequency beings and are “vibing too high”. If we are vibing too high that means that we will eventually break through all the blocks, nanobytes, shields, illusions, spells, etc. they use on our type and cause them hell while we’re here. Best believe we will cause them hell due to the fact we are connected to who we really are; which are soul’s from among the stars that have purposely come to shut down the bullshit and lies they’ve succumb planet earth to.

Skywalkers https://youtu.be/khDND1upU68

So, where do handlers come into this? Well, handlers enter the picture after they’ve determined that you are a high frequency being and knowing in due time this being will break through all the barriers they set for it. So they assign a handler or handlers aka a fake family to watch over you. You as a baby, fresh out the womb obviously will never know if the parents that raised are your real parents or if they are your real parents if they willingly or willingly signed you over to be handled. So, these handlers will do and say things to keep you under control, deter you from doing and saying things that naturally come to, down play your abilities and gifts and convince you to hide them. Treat you in a manner that is harsh or patronizing, encourage psychedelic medications to suppress your gifts and entrap your mind under the disguise of depression, anxiety or bi-polar and so on. Allow trauma to happen to you to keep you disconnected from your true self or purposely say things to keep you constricted and restrained.

When I heard this it hit me hard! I know I’ve been through some weird things in my life that didn’t make sense to me. For one, I had a “disease” when I was younger and I had to give blood to monitor my white cell counts twice a week. This started when I was young so these doctors had been collecting my blood twice a week for years! Fast forward to teenage years and my high school cheerleading squad wanted us to participate in a blood drive. My mom tells me no I can’t and the reason was that “my blood was to special and I needed it more. People didn’t deserve to have my blood”. What? Now, knowing who I am and how correct she was when she said that my blood is unique and different, why wasn’t she concerned about this when they were draining me twice a week when I was in elementary school! Sometimes, they slip up and tell the truth!

Another thing mentioned in a different YouTube video but tied into this same subject was the mention of a Great Invasion that no one remembers in 1995. During this event, the Annunaki came to earth to start living amongst us again and start breaking down this wicked system from the inside. Guess what, I completely remember seeing activity in the sky over my house when I use to live in Atlanta, the epic center of this plane. Also, in November 1995 a huge meteor shower happened over Atlanta. I didn’t remember it happening until right now typing this blog. So, I did a quick search and came across articles talking about this meteor shower. The article says that the shower occurred because earth passed through the tail of an unnamed comet…really! Also, states over 400 meteors per hour had fallen to earth. So, they’re calling the Great Invasion a meteor shower. The first time this so called meteor shower occurred was in November 1995 and in November 2019 the meteor shower happened again. How is that possible if the article contradicts that by saying that this meteor shower happens on a set frequency. Why isn’t this meteor shower documented anywhere before November 1995? Doesn’t add up! Do you know what else happened to me during that year, my mom ups and moves us from Atlanta to Pittsburgh. I never understood why, especially when we had family and friends in Atlanta. Why such a drastic move at a very pivotal time in my life, a key transition period for a maturing being. I was 12, right before the transition stage into teenager. A milestone not only in age but in mental and physical development, which stunted me and exceled me at the same time. I was a child that grew up too soon because my childhood was taken away from me. The years that took place after this move broke me completely, broke my connection to my gifts and abilities, broke my connection to the divine and moved me out of Atlanta that was a bedrock of crystals that I communicated with on the daily and enhanced everything about me. Also, tainted my memories because I only remember that traumatic move and not of what happened in the sky after I saw the activity over my house.

The Silent War https://youtu.be/0wJuXeBoDRI

November meteor shower that occurred in 2019 and 1995. https://abcnews.go.com/US/watch-400-meteors-shoot-sky-hour-thursday-night/story?id=67135620

I share my experiences to wake the chosen up. If this resonates with you, do your research and seek your truth. if it doesn’t resonate with you then enjoy the blog anyway!

Karma Breaker

Coming into this world all knowing then losing yourself, your value, your path, your purpose is traumatic.

Being told from outsiders, seers, shamans, priestesses, and elders that you’re here to break rules, break karmas and bring back truth in your ancestry and in this world sounds awesome and empowering. To know that I have a dual duty of empowering myself and my lineage with the knowledge, wisdom and power I contain, sounds like some superhero shit.

But in reality it’s depressing and hard. It’s like knowing beforehand what’s going to happen and being cool with it. Thinking you can prepare for it and tell yourself to not lose sight of who you really are as motivation is cute. But when the chaos hits, the karma comes and the emotional rollercoaster comes roaring, it’s hard to feel like a powerful being. All that makes me human rises up and takes over. Heartache, pain, emotions, crying and crying, anger, defeat, giving up, running away and more crying.

Makes me wonder why me? Why do I have to be the one to the clear the crap out of our bloodline? A course when you ask questions like that you get answers. It’s because not only am I clearing out karma for myself and my ancestors, I’m also unleashing our birthright, power, ancestral practices and gifts, and reforming our direct link to abundance and prosperity our lineage on this earth have been disconnected from. All the things that were taken from us through murder, assassinations, witch hunts, slavery, brainwashing and our people erased from books and the memories of all people on earth.

Being reminded of what I and my lineage will be gaining from what I as an individual have to go through, helps me focus and pull myself together to push forward. Yes, these karma moments suck but I will get through them and be even stronger in my power and my will at the end of them.

Making my earthly and galactic ancestors proud!

Yemaya

The morning of August 19, 2020, 3 days after my birthday, I was visited in my dreams by a deity/orisha. Below is what happened in my dream, written down in my phone as soon as I woke up so I wouldn’t forget anything.

I was in a dark place with water beneath my feet. I could hear the water and see it as if I was seeing clearly in the dark. Like when your eyes adapt to a dark room. Suddenly appears a woman over the water and I look up at her and see the crescent moon above her head and stars in the sky. She her arms out stretches to me in a position of embrace and waiting for me to come into her arms for a hug. Her face is covered by a veil of jewels, she has a white blank expression mask over her face, she’s draped in a bluish cale dress that is puffy-like and she has horns on her head like a large cattle with pearls hanging from them.

She says to me “come child” and I go to her and she hugs me, embraces me and comforts me and all feels better. Like when you hug your mom and she absorbs all your pain from you because that what mothers do. She tells me to tell her about me, so I told her about myself; which was all the pain I’ve occurred over the years. Being mad fun of as a kid and having no friends because I was different and in-tune. I tell her about the abuse I endured at the hands of my ex-husband and I burst out crying. Then, I tell her about how my spiritual awakening happened after my divorce.

Then we abruptly we was sitting at a table eating while telling her these things about me. When at the table she was a regular woman. She looked like black Latino with long curly hair and fair skin.

She tells me that she’s comes to guide me. At the table there is a man and a woman who aren’t speaking. I ask her why the 2 other people are with her and she says they are support.

Now we’re I’m sitting on a couch and she’s on the floor sitting in front me. She then asks me how was my journey with Christianity and I replied harshly with “none existent, I don’t follow that crap”. She replies, we don’t care if people do. I then reply, I don’t because I hate being lied to and religion is one of the biggest lies ever. Plus, the reason for what’s really wrong on this earth.

Then she was going to do a reading for me. We were clearing off the couch, I started the recorder on my phone so I could record the session. Then she sat back on the floor then I was out of the dream.

I’ve never been drawn to any of the African deities or Orishas. It’s always been Egyptian and Sumerian deities that have come to me. But I was told during an akashic reading that one of my karmas is finding my earthly and galactic ancestral lineage. My DNA ancestry has my African lineage in Nigeria, Cameroon, South Africa, Sudan, Ethiopia and so on. Those cultures are Yoruba, Bantu, Kushites, Khoisan, Zulu, Khmer and Fulani.

So it’s about time I started my bonding with these ancestors and their deities. This experience helped me learn that Yemaya is my Ori and is protecting my head. I thank, welcome and honor her and appreciate her protection and guidance.

My personal drawing of how Yemaya appeared to me in my dream
Yemaya dress looked just like this
Yemaya had this same mask on
Yemaya appeared to me in this same position with arms outstretched, veil over her face, over water and the crescent moon and stars above her head

December 21, 2020

As this day approaches, I would like to declare myself as in full servitude and gratitude. To publicly accept my purpose and fulfill my role as a beacon of light and a walking portal of truth. To walk my true path as a being of light from beyond this realm and universe.

I will explore and research all that is needed to share truths and reset people’s frequencies to their true state of being. I will incorporate light and sound frequencies within myself so I can set forth these frequencies into others.

My search for my truths has paid off and I’m honored to have been chosen to be a part of this mission. By accepting my true nature, I bring honor, truth and resolved karmas to the ancestral line I’m currently incarnated in. As I fulfill my heavenly and earthly role, I bring back into remembrance the ways of our ancestral past, link our heritage, reveal knowledge, wisdom and practices and awaken the magic within us.

I accept my multidimensional selves that include: Indigo, Priestess of the Serpent, Atlantean, Egyptian, Sekhmet, Regal, Anuba, Sobek, Anuket, Feathered Serpent Dragon, Anubis, Ptah, Yemaya, Lion, koala, owl, snake, Algonquin, celestial, Cygnus, Lyran, Sirian, Centurian, Orion, Russian, Zeta, South African, Nigerian/Cameroon, Sudan, Hebrew, Moor, Turkish, Serbian, Australian, Lilith, Andromedan, emanation of chokmah, elemental worker, revealer, dream maker, mother, sister, daughter, friend, wife.

Blessed and so it be. Ase’!

Dear Diary – Entry #1

After receiving several pushes and confirmations, I’m finally acknowledging that I’m being led to start sharing my personal experiences while meditating, in dream states, astral travels, etc. to provide personal accounts of being a spiritual being and striving to be in tune with your true nature. The experiences I share are just that, my experiences and shouldn’t be used as a comparison tool for yourself or others to judge and evaluate your own personal experiences and encounters. We are all of source and we are purposely living lives as individuals to develop our own perspective and point of view regarding life as a spiritual being living a human existence. My goal is to provide a perspective of an individual learning about her multi-dimensional self, her lineage and her purpose while here on Earth.

Dear Diary – 11/25/17 Meditation, Listened to Open Balance Chakras, Heal and Sleep – Jason Stephenson YouTube Video

This meditation session I decide to do laying in my bed. I follow the spoken mediation and begin aligning my chakras and could visualize the colors, but unlike last time I performed this mediation the swirls and spinning of the chakra colors are dancers and ice skaters in sparkly dresses.

• Flamingo dancer – red – root. • Flamingo dancer – orange – sacral. • Ice skater – yellow – solar. • Ice skater – dark green – heart. • Ice skater – Ice blue – throat. • Dancer w/ long velvet sparkly cape – indigo – 3rd eye. Crown – A volcano inside a ground skull opens and purple lava fills the skull then the skull closes. Then all the chakras combine into a thick smoke of the colors blending from red all the way up to purple. Then white light sparking like a 4th of July sparkler starts encasing me and filling my veins with this electric white light. Then the image of the meditating person with each colored chakra in a sitting position appears as myself and the white light completely surrounds the image.

While laying down on my bed, the bed becomes whiteness and I can see myself laying there from outside of myself watching in third person. The whiteness becomes snow and I’m completely covered in it and I begin to emerge up and through the snow. An all-white being emerges from my body and sits up. In the distance I see this being with long white blond hair, light green cat/reptilian eyes, a scrunched/rippled nose bridge and middle of forehead/3rd eye area like a cat’s face. It has on a white attire with broad, fanned out shoulder pads and he reminds me of the blond hair warrior elf from Lord of the Rings (it gives off a male vibe). The being has a staff, then no staff as he walks closer to me. I stand up and start wiping the snow off of me and the being signals that he wants to show me something. So, we started walking in the snow and at that time the only thing I could focus on was my feet and the snow, the area was so hazy and bright that my eyes didn’t want to adjust. The being was a very slow walker, like he was gliding with his strides. As my eyes started to adjust, I could see the being doing the “Vanna White” motions showing me the scenery. I see tall pine trees, mountains and a blue sky with white clouds. The sky is so blue and the air is so crisp, pure and smells like winter. Then we stop on the edge of a rock cliff and he does his Vanna White motion for me to look at a lake in the far-off distance. The scenario and lake reminded me of Lake Tahoe with the water being a deep dark blue surrounded by a shore of pine trees, rocks and snow-covered mountains. As the being turns to start walking me back, I forced myself to speak and ask, “who should I ask for guidance?” At that moment shadowy images with golden light emanating from behind them appeared in my mind. The Sphinx emerged from the shadowy image with Sekhmet behind the Sphinx. I tried to ask another question and was taken immediately out of meditative state.

I was in such awe that I just laid there on my bed in silence. Eventually I snapped back into this 3D realm, found my notebook and began writing and drawing so I could remember the experience, because I have a tendency to forget once I’m back in 3D. From doing searches on the internet, I concluded that the being is Lyran. The only possible reason I could think of as the reason for this encounter is because I’ve been asking for guidance and to know where I truly come from. I was answered and shown a place that felt very familiar and I was at peace there. I don’t know if this place was Vega or a different planet in the constellation of Lyra before it was destroyed or a different place all together. But I did give thanks to my guides for answering me and showing me proof that I’m not crazy for knowing that my soul isn’t of Earth.

The place I visited reminded me of this picture of Lake Tahoe
The cat-like humanoid being with blond hair and green cat/reptilian eyes
The shadowy Sphinx and Sekhmet images with golden light emanating behind them

Just Don’t Feel Right

As I sit here in my mother’s church on Easter, I just don’t feel right. As I listen to the preacher read from the Bible and preach his sermon, I stir at the window panes of white biblical figures in a predominantly black church….. I just don’t feel right. As they continually sing and preach about Jesus a made up name to a real historical figure who’s story was taken and changed to fit agenda, I just don’t feel right. As they call him the king of Jews and we are predominantly black church and the Jewish community doesn’t even support us in our strife and injustices that happen to us in our city, I just don’t feel right. As my sister and my mom get on my kids about bowing their head to pray and standing during songs, I just don’t feel right.

Am I doing the right thing by still participating on this Christian holiday when I know this religion is so false and these religious folks don’t even know what and where Easter comes from? Now, I’ve shared with my children facts on why we are no longer Christians and have fully engulfed spirituality in the ways we see fit, but I still “celebrate” Easter and Christmas. More so, because I love the Christmas and Easter holiday, decorating, giving gifts and eating good food. But I just don’t feel right having to submit myself and my kids to being disciplined for not following these church rules or sitting through hearing the things that I’ve taught them are the reasons why we don’t do the church thing anymore.

For next year, I’m going to have to put more thought into this because I can no longer be contradictory to my beliefs.

Catharsis I: Laughter

Catharsis is the purification of emotions through art or any extreme change in emotion that results in renewal and restoration. Performing this type of emotional purification is essential for every empath. It helps with getting rid of any pent-up negative emotions in oneself. Beneficial forms of daily catharsis ideal for empaths include exercise of any kind, screaming into a pillow, crying, laughing, or self-expression through art of any form.

I’ve decided to try this emotional purification via laughter. Before learning about catharsis, I do know laughing through life is the best way to get through it. Even after some painful moments, I can look back and laugh at most of them. My kids are hilarious and they say and do the craziest and silliest things. So I would like to share my silly mom stories on a regular.

kids-winking

This Sunday morning, my daughter and I go out for breakfast at one our favorite spots. In her typical terrible 2 fashion she cuts up as soon as we get there. A course our waitress and all the patrons think she’s adorable while I’m secretly thinking in my head behind my huge grin and my nod of thank you is “this girl is a holy terror and you have no idea!” I’m sitting at our booth trying to enjoy my omelet while she feels the need to climb under the table to play with food on the floor, stand on the seat and stare through the opening and point at the people siting in the next booth, take off her shoes and throw them in the middle of the aisle so she can have an excuse to get up, dance and put on her one girl show. Let’s just say I’m about to lose my mind with the constant “mommy, mommy, mommy” while I’m trying to eat, so eventually she wears me down to giving in and I stop trying to get her to eat her food and I give her my phone so she can watch her favorite videos on YouTube.

After I hand her my phone, she calmly settles into the her seat, props her feet up and scrolls through the videos till she finds the one she wants to watch. I feel defeated but at least I can start eating again but now in peace. I look over at her and she looks up at me and puckers up her lips for me to kiss her so I lean in and giver her a kiss. My heart melts and my frustrations towards her fade and I continue to stare at her while she goes back to watching her videos. I guess she felt me still staring at her because then she looks up at me and does something that completely catches me off guard. This girl winks at me! I freeze, then we both bust out laughing.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

golden mirror

I had a very intriguing session yesterday with my therapist. While discussing my digestion of the recent discovery of my ex-husband being a narcissistic sociopath, we decided to dive deeper into my relationships with “me focused” people.

This deep dive project made me tell my therapist about some memories that arose when a lot of different events, including the past 4 years of my life with my ex-husband started to put a lot of scattered puzzle pieces of my life together. For example, one key puzzle piece was that my dad was abusive and based on the things my mom has told me about things he did to her while married he is definitely a narcissist and my granddad was more than likely a narcissistic sociopath based on the family stories I’ve heard about him; which are 10 times worse than what my dad was doing to my mom. So there’s definitely a generational curse going on on my dad side with this mental disease. One of the memories that arose was one of my granddad when I was in high school around the time when he was falling ill with lung cancer. My dad was in town and left me and my sister at my granddad’s for some quality time. I was at his apartment trying to heat up some food in his microwave, but he had an older microwave and I didn’t know how to work it. I had to ask him more than once how to use it because he was being short with his answers like he was annoyed with me. Maybe, this was my third time asking him how to set the minutes and before I could finish getting my ask out he pushed me hard out of the way, started yelling at me and calling me names. My therapist asked me do I remember what I did and I replied that during that time in my life whenever anyone would yell at me it would remind me of hearing my parents arguing and I would freeze and I would block everything out. So in that moment I froze, blocked him out and walked away.

Then I continued to tell my therapist that prior to my family moving to another state I went to stay with my granddad for a little bit when I was 4 while my mom was getting everything in place with her new job and the house. I don’t remember staying with him, but this is what I was told and based on one story my mom would tell. When she went to go get me from him after this extended stay, she passed this dirty little girl riding on a big wheel bike and she thinks “ahh she’s a really cute girl somebody should wash her up, do her hair and be out here watching her.” When she gets to my granddad’s apartment she asks for me and he replies, she’s outside riding her bike you probably passed her. My mom then immediately turns from him, goes and picks up that cute, dirty little girl she passed not knowing it was me and leaves without grabbing any of my things. I then relay to my therapist that I am concerned, now knowing what my granddad may have been, what I may have been exposed to while living with him during that period of time. My therapist tells me if the body has no response to the thought of him then maybe, just maybe I don’t have anything to worry about but as these memories arise in due time will tell.

So I’m assuming to pull my focus from feeling helpless in this situation, my therapist asked me to think of a friend that I had or have that wasn’t “me focused” and to be honest I had to really search through my memories to find a person that wasn’t. Majority of all the people in my life that I befriended or more so befriended me were
“me focused”. A lot of friends that had befriended me was for their sole purpose only. For example, I’m very smart and in high school and college a lot of people would befriend me to help them with their assignments or get notes for class or to try to cheat off of. Once they realized that I wasn’t going to allow them to cheat off of me or I was going to make them put in work when we had group assignments those people would eventually fall to the waste side. But a course the narcissists, the tricksters, the manipulators knew just how to pull on the heart strings or spin their web to make me believe they were really my friend while they used me.

After thinking for a minute or two, I finally thought of a person that wasn’t anything like any of these “me focused” friends. My therapist then asked me to list what was different about this person and the main things that came to mind was this person was mellow, focused on their children and wasn’t visually self-conscious about their image. Then my therapist stated “so you said this person was mellow like their vibrations were low, mellow toned”, then asked me how did this make me feel? I replied it made me feel uncomfortable and like in typical therapist fashion she asked “why” and I replied, because I’m not used to mellow, I’m use to people who are high wired, high vibration and at the same time we both say “chaotic”. Then another puzzle piece fell into place, maybe I’m gravitating towards people who are “me focused”, high vibratory because that’s familiar. I grew up in a household that was “me focused” and chaotic. My entire life has been nothing but chaos, whenever there is a moment of peace or mellowness I feel uncomfortable and become anxious. That’s why I’ve always been a busy body, constantly active which leads to being burnt out and stressed out on the regular.  But also kept me from having to think or wallow in the pain that was my life.

I do want to know what’s “wrong”with me and what I need to do to fix the deep dark parts of me to make myself whole, especially after going through a traumatic marriage and separation. At first when I learned that I’m partly to blame for some of these hardwired poor decisions it saddened me and made me think that I’m way more screwed up than I originally thought. No wonder I attract crap in my life. But after a day of processing, I became inspired and felt better knowing this information.

So Mirror, Mirror on the Wall …. no I’m not to blame for what is attracted to me and no I’m not to blame for what I’m attracted to, but I am responsible for my attractions after I’m made aware to these factors that have made me hardwired to this dysfunction. Time to choose wisely. Time to change the woman in the mirror!

Take an Emotional Load Off With a Social Media Diet

socail media

I never understood why some people would make such a big deal out of taking time off from social media or have to declare on Facebook that they needed a break from it then disappear from it for a while. I had one friend who canceled her Facebook and one day I eventually got her to return my text and I asked her why she did it. She told me she couldn’t take being on Facebook anymore, because seeing everybody’s business made her feel like her life was being judged. I didn’t understand her decision at first and I thought her decision was selfish, because that’s how I stayed in touch with her since we were both very busy with our family and kids and we didn’t get to see each other much.

Well, I am now in that place that I guess she was in, but for a totally different reason. I had to go on a “social media diet” for a very silly reason last week. I received a text that I hit 75% of my data usage and I didn’t want to go over. Well, there’s more to it than just that so let me start from the actual  beginning. I recently started watching my spending habits and I have to say I never paid attention to how much time I spent on my phone when I was bored; specifically at work, which contributed to majority of my data overage charges. This habit made me increase my plan a few months back, which increased my bill significantly. After re-evaluating my bills, I realized I couldn’t afford that plan any longer and reduced my plan back to where it was originally and now I needed to watch my data usage. Now that I hit my 75% usage mark this month, I’ve shut off my cellular data for all but 2 apps and have gone on this social media diet. Man, have I noticed a change in my weight! A course, I don’t mean my body weight but my emotional weight. I don’t feel like I have the same emotional stress I had when I was constantly on Facebook or Instagram looking at everyone else’s life via their posts and subconsciously comparing them to my life. Subconsciously taking in all this insignificant info from people I normally don’t see and to be honest don’t care to see in my everyday life and it was impacting my day-to-day measurement of my of myself in my own life. Spending less time on social media gave me more time to enjoy in the moment memories without rushing to my phone to capture a video or picture to post and share. It felt weird at first not rushing to take a picture but being able to really enjoy the moment activities happening felt so ancient and I’m glad I’m bringing it back. Seeing those happy couple posts were specifically detrimental to my emotional weight gain because I’m so jaded to relationships and not open to having that type of human closeness right now. In addition, seeing everyone’s happy friendships posts about my best friend this and my best friend that also affects me because once again I don’t have that in my life. A course there are multiple reasons why I don’t (I will explore that deeper in another post at another time) and it makes me question my life on why I don’t. In a non-social media world, I wouldn’t have to constantly have these questions, because I wouldn’t be bombarded with the constant comparison to someone else’s life in those categories.

This brings up another matter that I hear a lot about but never truly understood what it meant. Faking it on Facebook, Doing it for the Gram. Well, I would always see posts by a lot drama orientated people calling out other people on Facebook for being. Basically making it seem like they’re living this great life on Facebook but in reality they are not. Well, I got a crash course in this one day while talking to someone close to me one. I have a Facebook friend and they are always posting pictures, doing live streams, and posting great and wonderful things about their relationship. To be honest, it would make anyone envious to see all the posts of gifts, trips and parties they would attend together. The “love” that was presented seemed legit and magical. Well, my bubble was busted one day while talking to a close friend and they spilled all the beans about this couple. They fight constantly, they don’t get along and the one person is very controlling of the other. Man, you can definitely say that the grass isn’t greener on their side of the fence. All this time I’m seeing their posts on Facebook wishing I could find what they have one day and now I’m running around my house hoping I can catch and take all those wishes back because this is a perfect example of being careful of what you wish for!

So I say all of this to make a point, so let’s get to it. The Internet hasn’t always been here, Facebook and Instagram definitely has not and I do have to say the world was a simpler place when everybody didn’t know everybody’s business. At least during that time we had the celebrities and movie stars to look up to and admire but now everybody is a celebrity and everybody’s crap is getting stuffed down our throats via the internet. So just like when our bodies get a little overweight and boggled down from overeating too much junk food and over drinking too much soda, so can our minds with over indulging in too much social media. Just like we have to detox, begin to eat right and exercise to start losing that excess weight to start feeling better and get our bodies back on track to being healthy. We also need to do the same for our minds. Detoxify your mind from the poor images, the violent videos, the over sexual posts, the fake news, posts by fake friends you would never talk to if you ever saw them on the street, and dumb down stories that are trending for no good reason.