Just Don’t Feel Right

As I sit here in my mother’s church on Easter, I just don’t feel right. As I listen to the preacher read from the Bible and preach his sermon, I stir at the window panes of white biblical figures in a predominantly black church….. I just don’t feel right. As they continually sing and preach about Jesus a made up name to a real historical figure who’s story was taken and changed to fit agenda, I just don’t feel right. As they call him the king of Jews and we are predominantly black church and the Jewish community doesn’t even support us in our strife and injustices that happen to us in our city, I just don’t feel right. As my sister and my mom get on my kids about bowing their head to pray and standing during songs, I just don’t feel right.

Am I doing the right thing by still participating on this Christian holiday when I know this religion is so false and these religious folks don’t even know what and where Easter comes from? Now, I’ve shared with my children facts on why we are no longer Christians and have fully engulfed spirituality in the ways we see fit, but I still “celebrate” Easter and Christmas. More so, because I love the Christmas and Easter holiday, decorating, giving gifts and eating good food. But I just don’t feel right having to submit myself and my kids to being disciplined for not following these church rules or sitting through hearing the things that I’ve taught them are the reasons why we don’t do the church thing anymore.

For next year, I’m going to have to put more thought into this because I can no longer be contradictory to my beliefs.

Angels in Disguise

This blog is going to be all over the place. I’m more so collecting my thoughts, information and visions all in one space to share with others and to also help myself figure this subject all out. 

This Nipsey Hussle murder has really done a number on me. Not for the reasons that so many people display on social media because they knew him, his music and community activism. See, I didn’t know Nipsey, didn’t know any of his Music or about his community activism, I knew nothing of him. I’ve seen photos of him solo or with Laura London on Facebook a couple of times but that’s it. So, I’ve been asking myself since his murder happened, “why am I affected by this, why am I drawn to this person and this unfortunate event?” The answer I received and the way I received it was oddly put together, but I got the answers I was seeking.

Monday, April Fool’s Day, was another day of following the Nipsey tragedy on Facebook. That night I decided to do my nightly cleansing bath and I was looking for one of my favorite YouTube meditation videos, but all these angel and light worker videos showed up on my YouTube feed. I kept swiping past them not paying those videos any mind, then I came across a new guy, Enoch The Freestyle Prince who popped up on my feed. I’ve never watched a video of his, so I found it odd that the number of videos from him was saturating my feed. I finally stopped at one of his videos because the title jumped out to me and the video was called gang stalking. I knew that this person had to be a “woke” person because I don’t watch crap on this YouTube account and the title gang stalking seemed out of place because I mentally tied it to gangs. Surprisingly, the video was about him talking about lightworkers/angels being stalked by demons in plain sight aka gang stalking. Watching this guy speak, I was taken back by the way he talked and how he looked because he was very hood, very street but he was talking about something so spiritual and obviously was familiar with the topic from his own experience. To see someone so street but in tuned was shocking to me at first but then I felt guilty because angels come through in any avenue we can to help bring forth the greater good and sustain balance. The guy went on to list ways to notice when you are being gang stalked, for example; you could be walking down the street and a person could be walking towards you and they just begin to stare at you. The staring makes you uncomfortable because this person is deliberately staring you down for no apparent reason. He is saying that this is a demon taking notice of you and keeping an eye on you. This video hit home on so many different levels but to stay on topic with Nipsey, he just kept mentioning angels and lightworkers interchangeably and it made me think that maybe this is how Nipsey was. Nipsey was very street and a former gang banger, so maybe this was a glimpse into his world. The thought of Nipsey being a “woke” person and falling into this group of street level spirituality that knew of themselves and the happenings in this world. But once again I was going to be schooled on my skewed thought process later that night. 

After watching the gang stalking video, I went on Facebook and a video was on my feed of an interview Nipsey did. To be honest I can’t remember exactly what the video was about, but it showed a RIP with his birthday being August 15, 1985 and instantly I heard a voice in my head say “He was apart of your soul group.” I immediately was saddened and taken back but still didn’t understand what that meant. I’ve ran across people with a birthday around mine, even on the same day of August 16 and felt no connection to them at all. So, learning that Nipsey and I shared a portal/zodiac around the same time of birth opened my eyes up to the significance of soul groups but gave me more questions on what exactly a “soul group” was. I’ve read articles about finding your soul group, plus, I thought finding someone from your soul group would be people I would actually encounter in real life. Then it made me wonder, well what soul group am Nipsey and I apart of? And why was I told this.

After my cleansing bath, I went to bed with the gang stalking video, Nipsey, his birthday of August 15 and the message “our soul group” on the brain. So rather than ponder on this by myself, I asked for better understanding on why Nipsey’s murder has taken a toll on me and what all this information I just learned meant. Well, the saying is “be careful of what you ask for” because I got my answer. While sleeping I started having a “dream” and in this dream I knew Nipsey. In my dream he looked different but familiar and the familiarity was more of a feeling of knowing him than how he actually looked. While I was near him, he grabbed my hand and started to beam, light up, his soul shine through and levitate. He was an “angel” and when I saw that he was “angel” I kind of came out of the dream but went back in because the revelation was so strong. I started to cry and mourn when I realized what he was and that I was like him. I was saddened, my heart was heavy, and I started rolling back and forth in my bed because of the burden of knowing who he truly was, why he was really killed and the multiple agendas that were fulfilled by killing him and more importantly; the connection between myself and him. This dream was another awakening to learn about myself and why I’m here on Earth currently. I could no longer deny the things I’ve been shown about myself prior to Nipsey’s death and the effect his death has had on me in the dream and in my waking life.  It’s to the point that I started writing this blog the week of his death and was side tracked by work and life but completing it has been pulling at me to get it done. My experiences and my knowings must be shared, not for me or for Nipsey but to make it known that what we are taught about “angels” from religion, scholar studies or from so-called personal encounters are very skewed. 

This may not be new information, but I’ll start off with it to make a general point on how confused people have become running with these tales from the past. First off, angles don’t have wings like a bird. Angels were depicted like that in art and sculptures because humans couldn’t comprehend a person taking flight like a bird without wings, so to describe a person that was “heavenly” that could fly they drew angels in human form with wings to depict their capability of flying. Also, angles aren’t human, they’re celestial energy or celestial light beings and that energy takes on a body just like any other soul or energy that incarnates on Earth. With that said, celestial energy can incarnate into a human at different stages of the human body. Celestials can be incarnated via the birth of a baby or take on a human form during a quick visit based on who they’re interacting with. Regardless of when and which form we take, the common denominator will be that we won’t fit in to the society norms, even when we try and even when we look the part our energy will always give us away. Our talents, thoughts and the way we move on this Earth will always stand out even when we try to hide and stay low key. The so-called lime light or center of attention will always find us. People, animals, and nature will gravitate towards us and so will the negative energies and entities. We carry the foundational light codes of the universe which are the codes of divine truth, divine balance and the divine laws. When we are in flesh we feel and experience emotions just like everyone else, but we are capable of moving those emotions to the side to do what is just. I say just because there isn’t really a right and wrong or good and bad in the universe, there’s only just according to divine law.

I used to ask at a very young age, why did bad things happen in this world. But as a child I was looking at that question from a religious point of view and how religion teaches people about good and evil. I remember as a child, I would have disassociations after bad things would happen to me and a voice would always try to comfort me saying it was supposed to happen. I would become angry and even more upset because I knew deep down due to me being claircognizant, I know everything happenfor a reason but why was it happening to me. Those reasons would always reveal themselves as the karmic balance was restored after a “bad” event. I’ve always been able to see the truth in all events, good or bad. Ive always been able to see the order out of the chaos and one of the main laws the universe is bound by is karma. Yes, seeing people even children dying in wars is terrible but out of that chaos order will arise. In people’s limited understanding and scope of the world, humans aren’t able to see pass their emotions so war will always be bad or an evil thing to them. But as Ive heard mention in several tv shows and movies, war is a necessary evil. After every war of chaos, order will be restored, of course until the next war of chaos occurs to restore divine balance somewhere else on Earth, or in the galaxy and the universe.

So remember, celestials walk amongst us, celestials are humans in a fleshly disguise so be mindful of how you treat others because angels/celestials are directly linked to the creator. Through karmic law humans are tried and tested through the celestials interacting with them. When you encounter people, always go by that person’s vibe or energy, that’s how you’ll know if you’re interacting with a celestial being. Their energy will be magnetize you and fill you with joy and hope!

 

The Magical Pills


Do I continue to be numbed down and have no headaches or migraines or do I ask for a different med and start having the worse side effects or just stop the meds all together and risk getting the headaches and migraines again??? Oh how life sucks sometimes and oh how the pharmaceutical industry works its magic to keep us dumb and numb to the real causes of our dis-ease. I literally have mind numbing pain and yes the medication is working but it also has numbed my senses, slowed my thought processes, has caused tingling in my face and lips that makes me feel like I want to wipe my face off at times. I’ve tried the “holistic” approach and it wasn’t working. I was getting massages, seeing the chiropractor, doing yoga, being mindful of my mental state and my stress triggers and responses and yet still the headaches and migraines would come.

I was hospitalized due to cluster headaches, which are migraines on one side of my face and body. It basically resembles a stroke. The neurologist I saw in the ER says it’s nerve related which is why I was prescribed this medication. After all the tests performed, no pinpoint cause on why these cluster headaches have gotten out of control and happening more often frustrates me.

So the question still lingers, to stay medicated or not? To continue to take the magical pills that calm the headaches and migraines but make me feel tingly all over the place or stick it out and hope for the best that I don’t have any long term side effects.

Well, I ended up answering my own question and stopped taking the pills. Unfortunately, I’ve gain the weight back that I was losing but no more tingles in my face. I occasionally still get migraines but it’s only around my menstruation time or if I’ve completely fell off on getting bi-weekly body alignments and massages.

See this is how those doctors get you. Put you on a drug to mask your ailment without addressing the real cause or dis-ease that is going on with your body and/or mind. Then scare you with the “what could happen” without reviewing with you the compete list of side effects and down play your symptoms of a side effect because it falls in the less than 5% margin.

Moral of the story is…..take your health and the knowledge you need to learn about your ailment or dis-ease into your own hands. Don’t heavily rely on doctors and their modern medicine to cure you.

State of Confusion

guides

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve had some very interesting things happen to me spiritually wise. I was visited by “guides” during several dreams that exposed me to a lot knowledge. I was very excited to have these encounters until a course I started thinking about what they shared with me, then my excitement turned to confusion.  As I did my research and followed the bread crumbs the guides would leave me to find books they wanted me to read to help myself become clear or putting what I thought was a random actress Scarlett Johansson in my dream but later that day came across an article that resonated with me and guess who was on the image of the article….. Scarlett Johansson from the movie Lucy. I was receiving a lot of confirmations of the things they were showing me in my dreams in my waking life, once again was very exciting but then it turns into confusion.

As I read more articles and researched more topics on spiritual awakening and the universal consciousness, I became jaded. I always thought I was special, one of kind and having these dreams and interacting with these guides was like my confirmation that “Yes, I am special and all the pain and suffering I’ve had through out my life wasn’t in vain. All the solitude and not being able to connect with most people because I couldn’t think on their level or relate to their materialism and selfishness wasn’t in vain. All the isolation and changing who I was to be able to fit in then later in adulthood saying screw this I’m being me, wasn’t in vain. Hiding my strengths and my abilities so people wouldn’t think I was weird in hopes it would help me fit in, wasn’t in vain.” But then to learn that so many other people are having the same experiences that I’m having with my guides and the knowledge they’ve showed me I became disappointed. My uniqueness and these extraordinary encounters with these guides no longer felt special to me anymore. Once again I know I’m dealing with my ego in regards to my disappointment but I just can’t shake this feeling of being jaded. I wanted these encounters to be unique to me and me only. I wanted to be special, I needed to be special. But now I’m back at feeling confused and wondering what to do from here. What to do with the knowledge that has been given to me. How do I get past my ego so I can continue my journey now knowing I’m unique in knowing this knowledge but not unique in being a messenger of it.

Girl, Don’t Do It!

magic hands

I had an odd encounter at work today and I need to get it out. I’m a very strong empath and I feel other people’s emotions and thoughts. Just yesterday I learned that I have clairsentience; which is the ability to feel and experience energy in an intuitive way.

So we’re having an offsite “team building” outing at a restaurant and the core of our team gets along very well. We have been at this place for a good couple of hours now and everyone but me have had plenty of drinks and are pretty relax with each other and with their conversations. My one co-worker Nancy (name changed for blog) brings up that there’s a luncheon tomorrow that she was invited to by another department at our job. At that moment everyone in our group realize that she was the only one invited. So the conversation changed from individual side conversations to one conversation about why did Nancy get invited and no one else in our group. Then Nancy says that this other group plus people from another company called Shopco were also invited. Another coworker named Tiny asked who from Shopco was invited to the luncheon and Nancy replies “my friend Gina”.

Let’s pause and rewind a year prior. I was the one who interviewed Tiny for her position and after I interviewed her, my coworker Nancy came to me saying she had the scoop on Tiny from her friend Gina that used to work with Tiny at Shopco. This Gina girl had nothing nice to say about Tiny and after Nancy told me all the scoop I told her that its never good to base your opinions on someone else’s experience with her. Let’s form our own opinion of her and hope they’re wrong about her.

Now fast forward back to today, when Nancy tells Tiny that Gina is the Shopco person invited to the luncheon, I immediately felt anger from across the table. Then its hard to explain but I just felt I just needed to stop Tiny from saying anything because I just knew she was about to let the flood gates of nasty secrets that she knew about this Gina girl come out. I don’t know how I knew this was about to happen, but I just knew and boy was I right! Tiny busted those gates wide open! I tried everything I could possibly do to try to get her attention to stop her from embarrassing herself. I know Nancy means well but I knew she was going to go back and tell her friend Gina everything Tiny was about to say about her. Plus, Tiny has no clue about Nancy having those preconceive notions about her from Gina when she came to work with us from Shopco.

I tried telepathy; which I can say worked because she would look at me, I would stare her down and she would stop talking but she would fight it and then she would go right back to spilling more beans. It got to the point I started clapping my hands to try to get her attention and she would completely ignore me because she was so entrenched in her anger; but a course I was calling attention to myself by everyone else. Then I over stepped my boundaries but I had to once she crossed the line and started talking about the girl having an affair with a married man. I stood up out of my chair and reached across the table and grabbed her hand. It shocked her and all my coworkers but it worked. My coworker Nancy was like what is going on that we are touching each other. My other coworker Bob who was sitting next to Tiny saw my hand on hers and then for some reason placed his hand on top of mines. I looked at her and just smiled and kept shaking my head thinking No, No, No. Tiny then says what is going on, I’m so upset, I’m about to leave. I knew what was wrong, I kept my hand on top of hers and rubbing her hand until I couldn’t take it anymore. But it worked, her anger drained from her into me and she calmed down, the mood changed, the conversation changed and she didn’t leave. Everybody went back to their conversations like nothing happened. But Tiny was so mad and so enraged her energy hurt me when I touched her! So when I say I placed my hand on top of hers as long as I could take it, I really meant that. Writing about it now I still feel the odd pain on the surface of my palm.

Now that I’m home I’m super tired and all I want to do is take a Epsom salt bath to cleanse all that energy off of me. But I do have to say, that was a super cool experience!

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

golden mirror

I had a very intriguing session yesterday with my therapist. While discussing my digestion of the recent discovery of my ex-husband being a narcissistic sociopath, we decided to dive deeper into my relationships with “me focused” people.

This deep dive project surfaced from me telling my therapist about some memories that arose when a lot of different events, including the past 4 years of my life with my ex-husband started to put a lot of scattered puzzle pieces of my life together. For example, one key puzzle piece was that my dad was abusive and based on the things my mom has told me about things he did to her while married he is definitely a narcissist and my granddad was more than likely a narcissistic sociopath based on the family stories I’ve heard about him; which are 10 times worse than what my dad was doing to my mom. So there’s definitely a generational curse going on on my dad side with this mental disease. One of the memories that arose was one of my granddad when I was in high school around the time when he was falling ill with lung cancer. My dad was in town and left me and my sister at my granddad’s for some quality time. I was at his apartment trying to heat up some food in his microwave, but he had an older microwave and I didn’t know how to work it. I had to ask him more than once how to use it because he was being short with his answers like he was annoyed with me. Maybe, this was my third time asking him how to set the minutes and before I could finish getting my ask out he pushed me hard out of the way, started yelling at me and calling me names. My therapist asked me do I remember what I did and I replied that during that time in my life whenever anyone would yell at me it would remind me of hearing my parents arguing and I would freeze and I would block everything out. So in that moment I froze, blocked him out and walked away.

Then I continued to tell my therapist that prior to my family moving to another state I went to stay with my granddad for a little bit when I was 4 while my mom was getting everything in place with her new job and the house. I don’t remember staying with him, but this is what I was told and based on one story my mom would tell. When she went to go get me from him after this extended stay, she passed this dirty little girl riding on a big wheel bike and she thinks “ahh she’s a really cute girl somebody should wash her up, do her hair and be out here watching her.” When she gets to my granddad’s apartment she asks for me and he replies, she’s outside riding her bike you probably passed her. My mom then immediately turns from him, goes and picks up that cute, dirty little girl she passed not knowing it was me and leaves without grabbing any of my things. I then relay to my therapist that I am concerned, now knowing what my granddad may have been, what I may have been exposed to while living with him during that period of time. My therapist tells me if the body has no response to the thought of him then maybe, just maybe I don’t have anything to worry about but as these memories arise in due time will tell.

So I’m assuming to pull my focus from feeling helpless in this situation, my therapist asked me to think of a friend that I had or have that wasn’t “me focused” and to be honest I had to really search through my memories to find a person that wasn’t. Majority of all the people in my life that I befriended or more so befriended me were
“me focused”. A lot of friends that had befriended me was for their sole purpose only. For example, I’m very smart and in high school and college a lot of people would befriend me to help them with their assignments or get notes for class or to try to cheat off of. Once they realized that I wasn’t going to allow them to cheat off of me or I was going to make them put in work when we had group assignments those people would eventually fall to the waste side. But a course the narcissists, the tricksters, the manipulators knew just how to pull on the heart strings or spin their web to make me believe they were really my friend while they used me.

After thinking for a minute or two, I finally thought of a person that wasn’t anything like any of these “me focused” friends. My therapist then asked me to list what was different about this person and the main things that came to mind was this person was mellow, focused on their children and wasn’t visually self-conscious about their image. Then my therapist stated “so you said this person was mellow like their vibrations were low, mellow toned”, then asked me how did this make me feel? I replied it made me feel uncomfortable and like in typical therapist fashion she asked “why” and I replied, because I’m not used to mellow, I’m use to people who are high wired, high vibration and at the same time we both say “chaotic”. Then another puzzle piece fell into place, maybe I’m gravitating towards people who are “me focused”, high vibratory because that’s familiar. I grew up in a household that was “me focused” and chaotic. My entire life has been nothing but chaos, whenever there is a moment of peace or mellowness I feel uncomfortable and become anxious. That’s why I’ve always been a busy body, constantly active which leads to being burnt out and stressed out on the regular.  But also kept me from having to think or wallow in the pain that was my life.

I do want to know what’s “wrong”with me and what I need to do to fix the deep dark parts of me to make myself whole, especially after going through a traumatic marriage and separation. At first when I learned that I’m partly to blame for some of these hardwired poor decisions it saddened me and made me think that I’m way more screwed up than I originally thought. No wonder I attract crap in my life. But after a day of processing, I became inspired and felt better knowing this information.

So Mirror, Mirror on the Wall …. no I’m not to blame for what is attracted to me and no I’m not to blame for what I’m attracted to, but I am responsible for my attractions after I’m made aware to these factors that have made me hardwired to this dysfunction. Time to choose wisely. Time to change the woman in the mirror!

Introduction to the Complacent Journey

journey2

The word complacency means pleased with oneself and I truly feel that this fits where I am in my life. That’s why I choose it to define my blog personality. I’m not perfect and neither is my life but I’m starting to be okay with the idea of stumbling around and learning as I go. Picking up the pieces of my missteps and mishaps along the way and waking up with one main goal in mind each day; which is to live in a state of mindfulness.

With that said, I’m on a journey of self-love after experiencing a spiritual awakening after a very traumatic event in my life a few months ago. How did I know it was a “spiritual awakening”? Well, for once in my life something terrible happened to me and I wasn’t mad or sad about it. I really couldn’t place a title to my feelings to the range of events that I was going through at that time other than I felt numb. Nothing felt right and normally I drive into the bible and into praying but I didn’t and I didn’t want to. It wasn’t out of anger towards God like I would do sometimes because like I said I wasn’t mad. I just had no desire to take that normal route, didn’t see the point in it. I knew that it wouldn’t fix how I was feeling. Plus, I’ve had bad experiences and bad events in my life before and I always turned to religion. It feels odd to say this but in that numbness it was like my mind was opened to a portal of endless life questions and one key question that was on constant repeat was “why keep doing the same ol’ things expecting different results” and my religion fell into that re-evaluation. Once that door was finally ripped off the hinges and I no longer had any inhibitions to not look beyond religion for the answers to “life”, that’s when the spiritual awakening occurred and my true healing began.

As I try to navigate through this new outlook and state of mind on life that I have, I will document my journey and be as honest and as truthful as possible about my experiences. By documenting them in this manner I’m hoping it will also help in my healing process from all my past pains and be helpful for other inquiring minds that want to do the same as I and step off of the societal merry-go-round.

“Strange is normal and whoever tells you otherwise should check their sanity.” The Complacent Mind