Poker Face


I cracked through my ego last week and it was a very emotional, high anxiety experience to say the least. Seeing the face you’ve worn for so long for what it really is is scary. Then your true self finally being able to be seen and heard for the first time is terrifying. I don’t know the true me and that’s scary and that’s what caused the high anxiety. Being able to finally distinguish between my egos voice and my real voice is a great feeling but my real voice is so soft spoken. Calming my ego and telling her to chill out and back off is tough. It’s like yelling at or reprimanding your 2 year old daughter. She’s your mini you and you never want to hurt her feelings in any way because it hurts you so much  when you have to discipline or correct her.

I have to keep telling myself that I am not my ego and I have to break the cycle of doing what I use to do because someone told me I should do it, should like it, should say it, should wear it, etc. I’ve never realized how many of my life choices were really somebody else’s choices that I took on as my own to either please someone, or didn’t want go against their beliefs or opinions, or I respected and looked up to so I never deared to question their choices and influence over me. Now as an adult and looking at my life choices and analyzing them against my childhood dreams, they don’t align and I really need to know how I lost my way. Finally finding my true voice will be able to help answer these questions. I don’t want to go along just to get along anymore and I’m definitely tired of the poker face. So if it’s going against the norm, disappointing others to stay true to myself, or whatever I’m going to do that because I done not being me for the sake of others. I will no longer let my ego be the trap me in a life of conforming.

This Too Shall Pass….


This world is going to shit and I’m ok with what’s happening. Before I knew what the Age of Aquarius meant, before I knew about the Divine Feminine, before I knew anything about my soul being consciousness inside this body for a reason, I use to fret about the happenings in this world. Christianity tainted and sculpted my view of events as the coming of Christ and the anti-Christ rising but in reality it’s the growing pains of this world changing on a spiritual level. 

The controllers of this world have been using the knowledge most people are just now coming into knowing since the beginning to try to control our lives on this planet. As with most people who come into knowledge and power, they have a choice to use it for good or use it for bad. I think most people don’t intentionally choose to be bad but sometimes the decisions we make can turn into bad one after bad one until they become a “bad person” and that person accepts themselves as being bad. The ego of these controllers is the driving force behind all of their actions. An ego that is selfish and makes them think they’re special because they know something others don’t. 

Now there are so many different theories out there on why Earth was inhabited with human beings. Such as an experiment on a new astral race to see what happens when we put souls in flesh and grant them free will to decide on there own what type of life they want to “live” while human. Erase their capabilities to be able to remember who and what they are and see which souls can find their way back to their true self and the soul source. Sounds like an experiment a scientist or doctor would do on a lower life form to learn how it functions, so the idea of a more knowledgeable supreme being or beings being able to do this on a mass scale really doesn’t sound to far fetched to me. I’ve experienced enough and trust my intuition to not sweep this theory to the side as false.

But trying to understand life through my mind is useless and it’s a practice I have to put into play to stop trying to do. Asking why is very beneficial for my mind and how I function as a person but I need to learn to allow the answers to flow to me by experiencing life. By enjoying nature, my kids and myself. In those moments the answers will come and when I sleep and my consciousness is able to free from this body the answers will come from outside realms. 

So as this world continues down this unavoidable path of destruction, I have stability within to keep calm and at peace with the growing pains. To take notice and keep a watchful eye because there’s nothing new under the sun and so many worlds, nations, empires have come and gone so eventually this world too shall pass.

State of Confusion

guides

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve had some very interesting things happen to me spiritually wise. I was visited by “guides” during several dreams that exposed me to a lot knowledge. I was very excited to have these encounters until a course I started thinking about what they shared with me, then my excitement turned to confusion. ¬†As I did my research and followed the bread crumbs the guides would leave me to find books they wanted me to read to help myself become clear or putting what I thought was a random actress Scarlett Johansson in my dream but later that day came across an article that resonated with me and guess who was on the image of the article….. Scarlett Johansson from the movie Lucy. I was receiving a lot of confirmations of the things they were showing me in my dreams in my waking life, once again was very exciting but then it turns into confusion.

As I read more articles and researched more topics on spiritual awakening and the universal consciousness, I became jaded. I always thought I was special, one of kind and having these dreams and interacting with these guides was like my confirmation that “Yes, I am special and all the pain and suffering I’ve had through out my life wasn’t in vain. All the solitude and not being able to connect with most people because I couldn’t think on their level or relate to their materialism and selfishness wasn’t in vain. All the isolation and changing who I was to be able to fit in then later in adulthood saying screw this I’m being me, wasn’t in vain. Hiding my strengths and my abilities so people wouldn’t think I was weird in hopes it would help me fit in, wasn’t in vain.” But then to learn that so many other people are having the same experiences that I’m having with my guides and the knowledge they’ve showed me I became disappointed. My uniqueness and these extraordinary encounters with these guides no longer felt special to me anymore. Once again I know I’m dealing with my ego in regards to my disappointment but I just can’t shake this feeling of being jaded. I wanted these encounters to be unique to me and me only. I wanted to be special, I needed to be special. But now I’m back at feeling confused and wondering what to do from here. What to do with the knowledge that has been given to me. How do I get past my ego so I can continue my journey now knowing I’m unique in knowing this knowledge but not unique in being a messenger of it.