Poker Face


I cracked through my ego last week and it was a very emotional, high anxiety experience to say the least. Seeing the face you’ve worn for so long for what it really is is scary. Then your true self finally being able to be seen and heard for the first time is terrifying. I don’t know the true me and that’s scary and that’s what caused the high anxiety. Being able to finally distinguish between my egos voice and my real voice is a great feeling but my real voice is so soft spoken. Calming my ego and telling her to chill out and back off is tough. It’s like yelling at or reprimanding your 2 year old daughter. She’s your mini you and you never want to hurt her feelings in any way because it hurts you so much  when you have to discipline or correct her.

I have to keep telling myself that I am not my ego and I have to break the cycle of doing what I use to do because someone told me I should do it, should like it, should say it, should wear it, etc. I’ve never realized how many of my life choices were really somebody else’s choices that I took on as my own to either please someone, or didn’t want go against their beliefs or opinions, or I respected and looked up to so I never deared to question their choices and influence over me. Now as an adult and looking at my life choices and analyzing them against my childhood dreams, they don’t align and I really need to know how I lost my way. Finally finding my true voice will be able to help answer these questions. I don’t want to go along just to get along anymore and I’m definitely tired of the poker face. So if it’s going against the norm, disappointing others to stay true to myself, or whatever I’m going to do that because I done not being me for the sake of others. I will no longer let my ego be the trap me in a life of conforming.

Me, Myself and I


Forced dissociation is a sign of being highly intelligent and being able to critique the process and call upon it when needed is remarkable, says my therapist to me yesterday. At first I was ecstatic that me being able to force myself to dissociate when I was with my ex or during very traumatic times with other exes or in my childhood was a great skill. Removing myself out feeling any type of pain and heartache sounds like a great skill to have; especially living in the word we live in when pain and discomfort can happen without for warning. 

The dissociation into Me, Myself and I would happen by me literally removing myself from a situation or conversation whenever my ex would start bereating me, calling me names, basically trying to provoke me to react negatively towards him. When I would force dissociation to maintain control over my reactions and feelings during those times, Me (my core self) would fade to the background similar to how the guy in the Get Out movie would when he would fall into the sunken place. Then Myself would be a voice from the left side of my brain and I would be a voice from the right side of my brain and the actual situation/combative ex would be a blur. So Me, Myself and I would literally look like a person watching a conversation between 2 people in front of them with the background blurred out because you’re focused on the people talking. Myself (left brain voice) is the analyzer of the words and feelings that would arise in Me (core self) and I (right brain voice) would repeat a word or feeling right when Me would want to react to it. For example, Me would hear bitch coming from the combative ex so I would repeat the word bitch and Myself would start saying to I “how does the word bitch make you feel, why does it bother you, it shouldn’t bother you because you’re not being a bitch at this moment”, etc. and I would reply back with responses to Myself’s questions. While this dialogue is occurring in front of Me, Me had a chance to see the logic in the that moment and why Me shouldn’t react to what the combative ex is saying. Then the feeling of anger I would associate with hearing that word would turn into a fog and rise above Myself and I and dissipate into the air. When that would occur Me would no longer feel anything when the combative ex would call Me a bitch in that moment. Over time because my ex was constantly trying to provoke me and get me to react to him and nasty ways, I eventually became numb to his antics.

Another example of Me, Myself and I rescuing me from pain is when I was in college I was dating this really cute guy. Everyday I was taken back by this guy being into me and wanting to be with me. We started dating towards the end of my freshman year, continued talking over the summer and into the beginning of my sophomore year. Long story short, we would spend a lot of time together and I had no suspicions that he was involved with other people. Well one day while my friends and I were at a fraternity probate, he comes walking up to us with some girl and introduces her to all of us one by one then ends the introduction by saying and this is my girlfriend such and such. Everyone at that moment turned and looked at me and I instantly became overwhelmed with fear and embarrassment. Later that night I literally tried to drink away the pain from that embarrassing moment but it wasn’t working so I left my friends early and went home and cried in a ball in the middle of my living room floor until I passed out. Then woke up and went right back to crying and cramping from being overwhelmed with the emotional pain. A friend showed up to check on me and busted into my house because I wasn’t answering my phone. She instantly layed down with me and started rubbing me trying to make me feel better but even that wasn’t working. Then at that moment I remember separating and Myself started analyzing the pain and feelings that were running rapid through me and within minutes I went numb. I remember thinking “wow the pain is gone and this crap doesn’t even matter anymore” and I got myself up off the floor and went on my day like nothing ever happened. 

With that being said, my therapist gave me a praise then swept the rug from underneath me with her next comment. Yes, she said, being able to do something so amazing with my mind is fascinating and hyper-intelligent but now I have to never use dissociation again and start working towards integrating the memories and the feelings that I’ve detached from and stored away somewhere back into play so they can be played out properly and released in a healthy way. A course my reply was is that I don’t have any feelings in regards to my ex and when I detached from the horrible feelings and anger he would try to provoke in me, they left and dissipated. But according to my therapist that isn’t true and those feelings moved inward. But I completely remember seeing the fog of those feelings literally leaving me. I mean I literally saw the feelings as a fog, rise up and leave me…. no joke! So I’m totally confused on how the feelings are some where still trapped inside of me. 

So even though I understand where my therapist is coming from in regards to finding those “tucked away” feelings so I can become whole again, I had to let my therapist know that I already feel whole and happy and see no negativity in what has happened to me by my ex these last 4 yrs. Being bitter, spiteful and depressed would make me really take up her advice but I’m none of those things so I will maintain my position on letting things be as they may because Me, Myself and I were the ones that helped me get through the bad times and will always have my back! Having them as my sacred weapon is something I cherish too much to just say good bye to because they are apart of me and only rise when needed.

The Funk


I’ve been in a blah state of mind lately. I guess you can call it a funk. Now that I’m coming into my true self I’ve been questioning a lot about myself and my life lately. Since I no longer have to do anything I don’t want to do. Since I no longer have to follow the rules and save face towards things and people I don’t care to entertain anymore. Now what?

Is this “funk” apart of my awakening, my journey? Or am I depressed and suppressing things in such a beautiful way it’s being disguised as a spiritual awakening?  Rewriting your present and future from the past 30+ years of rules, beliefs, dreams, etc. that have either been placed on me and I took them as my truth or society had pushed on me as the “ways” to become a successful, highly functional person is lonely and confusing. 

Sometimes I want to be around people than I know I won’t have much to talk to them about because I really want to talk about spiritual, in depth things and no “normal” person wants to talk about that. Sometimes I want to have a love interest than other times I feel like why bother, most men was scared of me when I was just intelligent and witty, now I’m intelligent, witty and awoke in my true self……a triple threat.

I just don’t know how to feel about this process that I’m in right now. I’m glad that I no longer have to be just to be and live just to live but I’m lonely and it’s starting to take a toll on me. I guess it’s time to start searching and “being” in this funk so I can find out why I’m feeling like this. Stay tuned!

This Too Shall Pass….


This world is going to shit and I’m ok with what’s happening. Before I knew what the Age of Aquarius meant, before I knew about the Divine Feminine, before I knew anything about my soul being consciousness inside this body for a reason, I use to fret about the happenings in this world. Christianity tainted and sculpted my view of events as the coming of Christ and the anti-Christ rising but in reality it’s the growing pains of this world changing on a spiritual level. 

The controllers of this world have been using the knowledge most people are just now coming into knowing since the beginning to try to control our lives on this planet. As with most people who come into knowledge and power, they have a choice to use it for good or use it for bad. I think most people don’t intentionally choose to be bad but sometimes the decisions we make can turn into bad one after bad one until they become a “bad person” and that person accepts themselves as being bad. The ego of these controllers is the driving force behind all of their actions. An ego that is selfish and makes them think they’re special because they know something others don’t. 

Now there are so many different theories out there on why Earth was inhabited with human beings. Such as an experiment on a new astral race to see what happens when we put souls in flesh and grant them free will to decide on there own what type of life they want to “live” while human. Erase their capabilities to be able to remember who and what they are and see which souls can find their way back to their true self and the soul source. Sounds like an experiment a scientist or doctor would do on a lower life form to learn how it functions, so the idea of a more knowledgeable supreme being or beings being able to do this on a mass scale really doesn’t sound to far fetched to me. I’ve experienced enough and trust my intuition to not sweep this theory to the side as false.

But trying to understand life through my mind is useless and it’s a practice I have to put into play to stop trying to do. Asking why is very beneficial for my mind and how I function as a person but I need to learn to allow the answers to flow to me by experiencing life. By enjoying nature, my kids and myself. In those moments the answers will come and when I sleep and my consciousness is able to free from this body the answers will come from outside realms. 

So as this world continues down this unavoidable path of destruction, I have stability within to keep calm and at peace with the growing pains. To take notice and keep a watchful eye because there’s nothing new under the sun and so many worlds, nations, empires have come and gone so eventually this world too shall pass.

Get Off of Me!


Yesterday I had a very weird experience. My daughter attends a toddler gymnastic class and there’s this couple that goes with their daughter. The mom gives off a weird vibe and I noticed it when I was around them during class changeovers prior to my daughter moving up into this new class. The only interaction I’ve had with the mom is one day during the beginning of class when the instructor was going over each floor obstacle she was in the way blocking everyone’s view like the instructor was only talking to her and her child. I nicely asked her could she move because we couldn’t see and I guess that was the end of us ever being parent friends. Since that day that woman will walk past me and my child like we don’t exist. They have a habit of sitting in front of the shoe storage cubby holes to change after class; which is where I put my daughter and I things. When I would say excuse me so I can get our things she would give me just this vague acknowledgment and slightly move to the left or right. Freaking annoying! 

Well, you know us empaths, I was wondering maybe I’m just overthinking it. Maybe I’m not picking up a weird vibe. Maybe she’s just an overbearing mom that overly critiques her 3 year kid because of her dreams of once wanting to become a gymnast. Maybe she’s a really nice mom, friend and girlfriend or wife and it’s just me, I’m just overthinking it. Well, at class yesterday we had a short trampoline lesson and her daughter freaked out from having all eyes on her during her turn. During her daughters freak out my daughter was being a butt and not listening, so the class moved on to a different apparatus and left both of us at the trampoline. While holding my daughter trying to calm her down, this woman sits down on the edge of the trampoline directly on my foot. When she sat on my foot I instantly had this overwhelming urge to pull my foot away so I did. She replies, oh I’m sorry and because I knew how ignorant it came off because of the speed and urgency I just ripped my foot from under her I responded it’s ok, even though it wasn’t. 

Immediately, I start feeling this burning sensation on my foot and on the lower part of my leg because apparently she touched me there when she sat on me. I start freaking out on the inside because I realize I was right, this woman’s vibes are all wrong and now she’s passed that energy to me. My leg starts burning sp bad that I forget about my daughter who is cutting up and having a fit and start thinking about what I can put on my foot and leg to take away this horrible sensation. I think water but no it will just absorb and dry. Then I see hand sanitizer in the lobby. It has alcohol in it that gives off a cooling sensation when it drys so maybe it will counteract this burning sensation. So I grab some and rub it on my foot and leg and it works. 

Lesson learned here, follow your God given gifts and let them guide you. I didn’t have a feeling that this woman was a bad person just that she’s not someone I should be around or interact with. It took her touching me to get confirmation on that. I still don’t know why I can’t interact with her or why our energies/vibes are different but hey getting burned this way will be the only burn I need to maintain distance.

Maybe This Spiritual Thing Isn’t For Me


Today was a rough day for me and I almost resorted back to the old me. I was about to say forget all of this mindfulness and spiritual growth. Today was a reminder that no matter how spiritual I am and how intune I am to my higher self, I’m still human and in this world. 

Today I learned that my ex-husband has either illegally sold the vehicle I’m jointly on with him or he is hiding the vehicle from the bank and the repo company. The beginning of April he was supposed to voluntary turn over the vehicle to the bank and today (several weeks later) I learned that he gave them an address to pick up the vehicle but never showed up and now is not answering his phone or returning their phone calls. Then to make matters worse, he is now flaunting around a new vehicle on Facebook. A course when I learned this the old me started calculating and plotting to get my vehicle back and to f*** this dude up. But I caught myself and calmed myself down and got up to start walking around to distract myself and break up bad thoughts. 

With all that this man has done to me, not once have I ever wanted to get him back. I don’t know what triggered me with this situation to react in this way. But I’m glad that I was able to notice myself going down that rabbit hole and was able to stop it. Nothing good would have come from me getting revenge against him, especially with him being a narcissistic sociopath other than karma against myself and an endless cycle of him thinking he can continue to have access to me. 

Today I’m very thankful of my spiritual growth and maturity. Being able to control my thoughts to help keep me out of trouble and out of jail, so I can let my lawyer and the authorities handle this mess.

Eggs, Candy, and Bunnies: The Great Christian Holiday

When I first started to question Christianity 7 yrs ago, Easter along with Christmas was dissected. Learning that paganism was mixed with Christianity was a shock to me. I started thinking my whole life was a lie and it was! I started changing how I was going to “celebrate” Easter so I wouldn’t go to hell for still going along with the tradition because I had kids’ dreams I didn’t want to crush. 

But I was looking at it all backwards, they mixed Christianity with paganism to give it some substance, some truth. I actually hate using the word pagan or paganism because these cultures and beliefs were founded in more spirituality then Christianity was. Believing in the mystical, the unseen, the earth, the stars, etc. isn’t paganism, it’s truthful, honest and raw spirituality. 

I come from a long line of ministers on both sides of my parents’ family. My mom’s mom, my grandmother was a minister and we would talk a lot but never about anything spiritual. Regardless, when I found out about Easter and Christmas I asked my mom if grandma knew about this because she had to of none. My mother replied yes but she wanted us to still enjoy the perks of those holidays. A part of me was upset with that response but I knew where my grandmother was coming from. Also I wasn’t upset at my mom for knowing and faking through the belief system with us when we were kids because I didn’t hold her obviously to standard of my grandmother the minister. 

But now knowing the difference between spirituality and religion I don’t care for this subject anymore but I’m writing about it because of something I saw on Facebook. A lot of christians share and like posts like the photo above and still go full throttle for Christianity. You know it’s a lie, it’s con mans job, an impersonator religion but they’re still fully committed to giving this religion 100% of themselves, their money, their time. It puzzles me and I watch this unfold on Facebook every year around Easter and Christmas with posts about how these pagan holidays are the complete foundation for Christianity’s main events. But these christians still attend their daily music practices, coordinate their plays, buy their Sunday best and role play along. Just puzzling!