I was told at a very early age that I was emotionless. But before I even had that interaction, I have always been aware to how emotionless I was. For start, I didn’t react or “feel” the same way other kids did. I would watch sad movies and not feel the sadness that everyone felt when they watched the movie. I would get emotional during odd moments in movies. For example, I get “emotional” every single time I watch Disney Inside Out at the end when the little girl finally releases all of her pent-up emotions she was feeling since her parents made her move to San Francisco. I related with her emotional release and my connection with that release made me shed tears. Due to how my mind functions and being a science-based creature, I analyze everything and peoples responses to situations is included. I question why people respond the way that they do, because to me some situations aren’t worth having an emotional response to. Another example is when my paternal grandfather passed away and we were at his funeral. During a certain part of the service all my cousins around me busted out crying. I didn’t understand it, so I looked around me and saw other people crying and I felt out of place. I didn’t want to get questioned by an adult on why this little girl was being cold-hearted, so I forced myself to cry too. At the moment, I was scared that I was going to take away from everyone else’s moment and didn’t want to stand out. I thought I was being unselfish with forcing myself to cry but till this day I beat myself up for falling into peer pressure and reacting in a way that wasn’t my true nature.
So, back to this interaction I had with a therapist that called me emotionless. Actually, she called me a robot first then explained her reasoning for calling me that was because I was being emotionless and that wasn’t “normal”. Even as a teenager I was able to articulate why I didn’t respond the way people expected me to and it was due to me not understanding emotions. I didn’t see every situation I encountered as a place I needed to become emotional in. I would cry when I get angry because the buildup of anger and rage would become unbearable. So I understood those feelings and their place, but I also knew that if I allowed my anger and rage to rise I would end up blowing something up with the power within it.
At that time in my life, I was in tune with my abilities, but I didn’t understand them and the rage particularly scared me. Only one time in my childhood did I allow the rage to rise. My dad was screaming at me when I still lived with him in Atlanta, so I had to be between 9-11 years old. He was verbally and mentally abusive to me but rarely put his hands on me. He only put his hands on me twice and after this incident he sure to hell never did it again! He actually declined his interactions with me after this incident. So, I don’t fully remember what he was screaming at me about, but I do remember at the end him screaming about the clothes in the hallway. He was so infused with anger he was spitting with his words. So, as I’m exiting my room to walk into the hallway, he pushes me hard as hell and I go flying face first into some laundry baskets and piles of clothes. All I remember is getting very hot and pushing myself up off of the baskets and clothes in one complete motion while doing a 180 twist to face him. I just stared him down and I felt the rage flowing through me, but since I allowed it to flow and rise, I felt calm inside. Also, in that moment time stood still for me. To me it felt like I was staring at him for minutes but clearly it wasn’t. As I’m staring at him, I see his facial expressions change from anger to complete fear. He became so scared in that moment he started stuttering to try to get words out and what came out was “Go, Go, Go, Go, to, to, to, your room.” Even when he said that phrase, I could hear the shakiness in his words. I literally felt myself snap out of this trance and the fire sensation go away immediately. He was standing in front of my bedroom door, so I had to walk pass him to get in my room. When I went to go pass him, he moved away from me so I could get pass as if a scared child moving away from a bully that always terrorized them. I always wondered what he saw when that incident happened but I never asked him and a course he never brought it up. Now that I’m better in tune with myself, I asked my selves what he saw and I was shown the image of Jean Grey from the X-Men Dark Phoenix when she would let the rage rise in her and her eyes would go electric fire gold and she would start emanating a golden fire aura. Being a daughter of Sekhmet, this Sekhmet image is so near and dear to me.
When I do magic work and I need to pull in cosmic moving energies to get the ask I’m seeking, I tap into my rage because I now know its intelligent fire. I get myself into a state of anger so I can access the rage and let it rise then I let the emotions go and just focus the power on to my workings, intentions, etc. and push the energy into what I’m seeking. When I work with my intelligent fire aka rage, I do so through Sekhmet because that is her expertise.
Emotions are complicated and different for everyone, but they try to clump all of the responses in a general state of being. Spiritual alchemy is all about working with emotions and transmuting them to work in your favor. I feel Spiritual Alchemy was purposeful taught to us so we could bypass the emotional traps that are here on Earth. Higher beings don’t act on emotions because emotions are lower dimensional. Also, being a soul that isn’t even from this universe, this greatly explains why I can make moves and important decisions without emotions ever being involved. The earthly side of me reacts but after a couple of deep breaths the emotions subside and I’m able to function outside of the emotional weight.
“Queens Rule by Power and Might, not by Emotions” – The Complacent Mind