The Magical Pills


Do I continue to be numbed down and have no headaches or migraines or do I ask for a different med and start having the worse side effects or just stop the meds all together and risk getting the headaches and migraines again??? Oh how life sucks sometimes and oh how the pharmaceutical industry works its magic to keep us dumb and numb to the real causes of our dis-ease. I literally have mind numbing pain and yes the medication is working but it also has numbed my senses, slowed my thought processes, has caused tingling in my face and lips that makes me feel like I want to wipe my face off at times. I’ve tried the “holistic” approach and it wasn’t working. I was getting massages, seeing the chiropractor, doing yoga, being mindful of my mental state and my stress triggers and responses and yet still the headaches and migraines would come.

I was hospitalized due to cluster headaches, which are migraines on one side of my face and body. It basically resembles a stroke. The neurologist I saw in the ER says it’s nerve related which is why I was prescribed this medication. After all the tests performed, no pinpoint cause on why these cluster headaches have gotten out of control and happening more often frustrates me.

So the question still lingers, to stay medicated or not? To continue to take the magical pills that calm the headaches and migraines but make me feel tingly all over the place or stick it out and hope for the best that I don’t have any long term side effects.

Well, I ended up answering my own question and stopped taking the pills. Unfortunately, I’ve gain the weight back that I was losing but no more tingles in my face. I occasionally still get migraines but it’s only around my menstruation time or if I’ve completely fell off on getting bi-weekly body alignments and massages.

See this is how those doctors get you. Put you on a drug to mask your ailment without addressing the real cause or dis-ease that is going on with your body and/or mind. Then scare you with the “what could happen” without reviewing with you the compete list of side effects and down play your symptoms of a side effect because it falls in the less than 5% margin.

Moral of the story is…..take your health and the knowledge you need to learn about your ailment or dis-ease into your own hands. Don’t heavily rely on doctors and their modern medicine to cure you.

Complacency: Reflections of Self

After achieving what I thought I should as an adult, all those “accomplishments” lead to deep heart ache, pain, unhappiness and finding myself feeling empty, unsatisfied and alone.

After several months of being stuck in a void and I’m using the word void because I wasn’t sad or depressed, but I was in a state of emotionless. While in this void, my mind was on constant repeat, thinking the same thoughts over and over again. What am I doing wrong? How am I 34 and I don’t have anything together? Why do I feel so lost? While away on a trip I discovered several different topics and articles on Facebook that kept catching my interest. Figured if something keeps popping up I need to start paying attention to it. This began my journey into the unknown….. so I thought.

This journey of self-love, inner-peace, becoming spiritually in tune to my real self. The real Me and not who I think I should be, or who I thought I should be as a child or even when I thought I was in college, and definitely not who society says I should be. More importantly, not who my mom or my family think I should be or should have been.

My mind works differently from most, I noticed this at an early age. Always questioning life, rules, nature, adults and authority. Never took answers at face value and always wanted to learn beyond the surface. My mind sees disorder, chaos, things out of place and automatically starts analyzing and correcting them. I always thought it was my OCD until it enhanced my career by finding the flaws in a facility and their programs and on a personal level giving great advice. Unfortunately, it also gives off the persona of a “know it all” or always having something to say. Had to learn with maturity when to speak my truth and when to let people figure it out on their own. More importantly, not beat myself up when they fail or don’t figure it out. I’m a fixer by nature but everything and everyone doesn’t want to be fixed. Sometimes its best for things and people to stay broken. Can’t save the world by draining myself in the process. Learned to pick my battles so I can have successful wars.

Good vs. Evill

Religions has us convinced that there’s a good vs evil scenario going on in the world. Movies have us believing that there’s a good vs evil war going on in the universe. All thoughtfully done to control the masses. As some people focus on trying to be so good that they can’t be seen as evil and other people so hell bent on being so evil people won’t consider them good. These unspoken people have been directly affected by the cat and mouse game of society to keep our minds focused on one over the other rather than on both.

How does a person even know the difference between the two if the other didn’t exist to compare it to? Light couldn’t exist if there was no darkness, good couldn’t exist if there was no evil. Life is about balance. The issue with the universe and our world is they are out of balance. Evil has been “winning” at keeping this balance out of whack. Poisoning and distracting our souls and minds from what’s important in life. Controlling people through every aspect that can come to mind to keep us divided and at war with each other. Old vs new, iPhone vs Android, breastfeeding vs not breastfeeding, Black vs white, Hispanics vs non Hispanics, girl vs boy, Democrat vs republican and so on. All this division keeps us distracted as the balance in our world continues to stay out of whack.

Love the good and evil inside each of us, the light and the dark because we are made of both. This is why evil and good things happen in the world and the acceptance of both is why free will still exists.

Xtina

Looking at the moon and knowing there’s more to life than what’s on this planet  helps to keep me going. Looking up at the sky always calmed me and helped me keep all worries in my mind at bay. Looking up instantly brings a “home” feeling to my soul. 

I always wondered if the universe was just one big brain because the galaxies look like nerve ends and synopsis connections. So many of the astral forms in space reflect cells and connective tissues like in our bodies. Is the universe a living organism just like us?! Can this be a question or a statement?! 

The moon feels like love when I see her and sun warms me like an embrace from a man that I’ve been desiring for like ever. My heart and soul lies with the stars. I’m drawn to the X in the sky and have been drawned to it ever since I could remember. In high school I named the X in the sky Xtina. Never knew my X in the sky was a constellation,  pointed to Sirius A or housed the Orion Nebula. First time I saw this nebula I fell in love and was submerged in a feeling of wonder. Being drawn to the X in the sky was finally making sense. Home are we?!


Poker Face


I cracked through my ego last week and it was a very emotional, high anxiety experience to say the least. Seeing the face you’ve worn for so long for what it really is is scary. Then your true self finally being able to be seen and heard for the first time is terrifying. I don’t know the true me and that’s scary and that’s what caused the high anxiety. Being able to finally distinguish between my egos voice and my real voice is a great feeling but my real voice is so soft spoken. Calming my ego and telling her to chill out and back off is tough. It’s like yelling at or reprimanding your 2 year old daughter. She’s your mini you and you never want to hurt her feelings in any way because it hurts you so much  when you have to discipline or correct her.

I have to keep telling myself that I am not my ego and I have to break the cycle of doing what I use to do because someone told me I should do it, should like it, should say it, should wear it, etc. I’ve never realized how many of my life choices were really somebody else’s choices that I took on as my own to either please someone, or didn’t want go against their beliefs or opinions, or I respected and looked up to so I never deared to question their choices and influence over me. Now as an adult and looking at my life choices and analyzing them against my childhood dreams, they don’t align and I really need to know how I lost my way. Finally finding my true voice will be able to help answer these questions. I don’t want to go along just to get along anymore and I’m definitely tired of the poker face. So if it’s going against the norm, disappointing others to stay true to myself, or whatever I’m going to do that because I done not being me for the sake of others. I will no longer let my ego trap me in a life of conforming.

Me, Myself and I


Forced dissociation is a sign of being highly intelligent and being able to critique the process and call upon it when needed is remarkable, says my therapist to me yesterday. At first I was ecstatic that me being able to force myself to dissociate when I was with my ex or during very traumatic times with other exes or in my childhood was a great skill. Removing myself out feeling any type of pain and heartache sounds like a great skill to have; especially living in the word we live in when pain and discomfort can happen without for warning. 

The dissociation into Me, Myself and I would happen by me literally removing myself from a situation or conversation whenever my ex would start bereating me, calling me names, basically trying to provoke me to react negatively towards him. When I would force dissociation to maintain control over my reactions and feelings during those times, Me (my core self) would fade to the background similar to how the guy in the Get Out movie would when he would fall into the sunken place. Then Myself would be a voice from the left side of my brain and I would be a voice from the right side of my brain and the actual situation/combative ex would be a blur. So Me, Myself and I would literally look like a person watching a conversation between 2 people in front of them with the background blurred out because you’re focused on the people talking. Myself (left brain voice) is the analyzer of the words and feelings that would arise in Me (core self) and I (right brain voice) would repeat a word or feeling right when Me would want to react to it. For example, Me would hear bitch coming from the combative ex so I would repeat the word bitch and Myself would start saying to I “how does the word bitch make you feel, why does it bother you, it shouldn’t bother you because you’re not being a bitch at this moment”, etc. and I would reply back with responses to Myself’s questions. While this dialogue is occurring in front of Me, Me had a chance to see the logic in the that moment and why Me shouldn’t react to what the combative ex is saying. Then the feeling of anger I would associate with hearing that word would turn into a fog and rise above Myself and I and dissipate into the air. When that would occur Me would no longer feel anything when the combative ex would call Me a bitch in that moment. Over time because my ex was constantly trying to provoke me and get me to react to him and nasty ways, I eventually became numb to his antics.

Another example of Me, Myself and I rescuing me from pain is when I was in college I was dating this really cute guy. Everyday I was taken back by this guy being into me and wanting to be with me. We started dating towards the end of my freshman year, continued talking over the summer and into the beginning of my sophomore year. Long story short, we would spend a lot of time together and I had no suspicions that he was involved with other people. Well one day while my friends and I were at a fraternity probate, he comes walking up to us with some girl and introduces her to all of us one by one then ends the introduction by saying and this is my girlfriend such and such. Everyone at that moment turned and looked at me and I instantly became overwhelmed with fear and embarrassment. Later that night I literally tried to drink away the pain from that embarrassing moment but it wasn’t working so I left my friends early and went home and cried in a ball in the middle of my living room floor until I passed out. Then woke up and went right back to crying and cramping from being overwhelmed with the emotional pain. A friend showed up to check on me and busted into my house because I wasn’t answering my phone. She instantly layed down with me and started rubbing me trying to make me feel better but even that wasn’t working. Then at that moment I remember separating and Myself started analyzing the pain and feelings that were running rapid through me and within minutes I went numb. I remember thinking “wow the pain is gone and this crap doesn’t even matter anymore” and I got myself up off the floor and went on my day like nothing ever happened. 

With that being said, my therapist gave me a praise then swept the rug from underneath me with her next comment. Yes, she said, being able to do something so amazing with my mind is fascinating and hyper-intelligent but now I have to never use dissociation again and start working towards integrating the memories and the feelings that I’ve detached from and stored away somewhere back into play so they can be played out properly and released in a healthy way. A course my reply was is that I don’t have any feelings in regards to my ex and when I detached from the horrible feelings and anger he would try to provoke in me, they left and dissipated. But according to my therapist that isn’t true and those feelings moved inward. But I completely remember seeing the fog of those feelings literally leaving me. I mean I literally saw the feelings as a fog, rise up and leave me…. no joke! So I’m totally confused on how the feelings are some where still trapped inside of me. 

So even though I understand where my therapist is coming from in regards to finding those “tucked away” feelings so I can become whole again, I had to let my therapist know that I already feel whole and happy and see no negativity in what has happened to me by my ex these last 4 yrs. Being bitter, spiteful and depressed would make me really take up her advice but I’m none of those things so I will maintain my position on letting things be as they may because Me, Myself and I were the ones that helped me get through the bad times and will always have my back! Having them as my sacred weapon is something I cherish too much to just say good bye to because they are apart of me and only rise when needed.

The Funk


I’ve been in a blah state of mind lately. I guess you can call it a funk. Now that I’m coming into my true self I’ve been questioning a lot about myself and my life lately. Since I no longer have to do anything I don’t want to do. Since I no longer have to follow the rules and save face towards things and people I don’t care to entertain anymore. Now what?

Is this “funk” apart of my awakening, my journey? Or am I depressed and suppressing things in such a beautiful way it’s being disguised as a spiritual awakening?  Rewriting your present and future from the past 30+ years of rules, beliefs, dreams, etc. that have either been placed on me and I took them as my truth or society had pushed on me as the “ways” to become a successful, highly functional person is lonely and confusing. 

Sometimes I want to be around people than I know I won’t have much to talk to them about because I really want to talk about spiritual, in depth things and no “normal” person wants to talk about that. Sometimes I want to have a love interest than other times I feel like why bother, most men was scared of me when I was just intelligent and witty, now I’m intelligent, witty and awoke in my true self……a triple threat.

I just don’t know how to feel about this process that I’m in right now. I’m glad that I no longer have to be just to be and live just to live but I’m lonely and it’s starting to take a toll on me. I guess it’s time to start searching and “being” in this funk so I can find out why I’m feeling like this. Stay tuned!